Dear 5 year old Zay

Dear Zay,
Today is your 5th birthday. I can't believe that you were born a whole 5 years ago. Woah.

I still remember the night that you decided you were coming. I remember it clear as day. You were two weeks early and I thought that I was just getting brackston hicks, so I didn't even think twice about actually being in labour. Surprise! I'm not going to bore you with my long labour story, but I realised at 11 at night that you were actually going to come within the next 24 hours and sure enough, you made me suffer until the next morning when you finally made it into the world. And I had to do it without drugs too. You meanie.

Now, I'm not going to tell you that you were cute, because even though you had the whole "I'm a newborn baby" thing going for you, you looked like an old man. Everyone disagreed but thats only because you have to tell a mum that her baby is cute. You looked like an old man, period.

But I tell you what mate, you were worth the pain, and the old man face didn't last long. Pretty soon you were too cute for my own good. Seriously, you had me wrapped around your little finger. 

That first night, you refused to sleep without holding me. You just wanted a finger to hold on to but that was so damn uncomfortable so, against the midwives wishes, I put you in bed with me, pulled up the rails to make sure you couldn't fall out, and we slept like that all night. It seems that there was no need for me to be worrying about you falling out though, because I woke up in the exact same position, holding you, as I had gone to sleep in 6 hours earlier! Didn't move an inch. See? I was protective of you from that very first night, and when we woke up, I was already wrapped around your little finger. So much so that you slept in our bed for almost a year!

We've had a busy, loud, stressful five years since!

You are such a beautiful little boy Zay, so loveable, so emotional. You are the kinda boy that everyone falls in love with! Your laugh is just so damn cute and oh my gosh the way you get excited about things! You jump up and down with so much energy, your big happy grin is ridiculously contagious. Gorgeous!

Your incredible emotions bring you so much trouble too little man! I tell you what! When you are happy, you are happy! Everyone knows it, you make sure they do. And when you are angry, oh boy, same rules apply! 

When you get angry you throw the most insane tantrums! Even now at 5 years old you know how to kick and scream. If someone, especially your brother or sister, pisses you off, they sure do hear about it! At least we know you will never let anyone walk all over you. And good for you buddy!

This year you started prep. At first you were so so excited about that, now you complain to me that it is boring. Despite your complaints, I know you enjoy it. Today I dropped a chocolate cake - your request - off to your classroom for you to share with your friends. You were so happy about having shared it. You have always been an amazing sharer. 

When Dad and I picked you up from school, one of your hands was blue. You told me that it is from painting. You are always covered in paint. And sand. And dirt. And texta. And food. You bring home beautiful pieces of artwork that you are so so proud of. And you can write now too! Something that you enjoy so much.

You and your brother have recently discovered Super Hero's. You guy's are simply obsessed! Last year you were into Disney Cars and Toy Story, but this new obsession has just taken over everything. Batman and Spider-man seem to be the favourites, with Iron Man and Superman not too far behind. I've gotta admit, I'm loving it. Seeing you two running around pretending to be super heroes, you both just seem so grown up! On Bailey's birthday I bought a Batman LEGO movie on iTunes. You guys have watched it at least once, sometimes three or four time a day since!

Before I end this letter, I'm going to interview you quickly to find out a few faves, for future reference and all:

Mum: "Hey Zay, Wanna answer some questions for me? So that I can write them down for us to read when you're bigger?"
Zay: "Yep!"
Mum: "Cool, thanks buddy."
Zay: "You're welcome"
Mum: "So, What's your favourite colour?"
Zay: "Um.. Blue"
Mum: "What about food?"
Zay: "Cake!"
Mum: "What food don't you like?"
Zay: "Um.. Um.. Tomatoes"
Mum: "Who is your favourite Super Hero?"
Zay: "Batman.. & Superman.. & Robin.. & Spiderman!"
Mum: "Why?"
Zay: "Because Spider-man makes webs & the other ones fly"
Mum: "Awesome, pick a number, any number"
Zay: "Um.. 13"
Mum: "What do you what to be when you grow up?"
Zay: "Um.. 13"
Mum: "Hahaha, If you could play a sport, what sport would you want to play?"
Zay: "Soccer & Tennis"
Mum: "How much do you love me?"
Zay: "Um.. 38 & 1 Million"
Mum: "I love you that much too! Thanks for the interview Mate"
Zay: "You're Welcome"

You have come a long way in your five years mate, and I am so proud of you. You stress me and dad out so much and if dad or I have gone grey by the age of 30, it will be your fault, but you are so worth it. I wouldn't have it any other way! And hey.. you had to have gotten it from somewhere hey! *Cough* Dad *Cough* ;-)

Happy Birthday Honey, I love you more than I ever knew possible and look forward to sharing many many more chocolate cakes with you!!

Love always and forever, 
Your Mumma xox

My wish for you.. Independence

I was only 16 when Logan and I first started dating, when I fell pregnant with Izzy and when we bought our first house. Yeah, we did it all young and quickly.

It was kinda awesome, doing it all so young. It was fun. I was a kid still, Logan only 18, so in a way I guess we grew up together. We grew from teens that slept half the day away on the weekends, ate footy pies from the petrol station for breakfast, drank each weekend, did whatever we wanted whenever we wanted, to this, now, at 23 and 25. Mature, grown up. Working and studying hard, looking after three kids, drinking once every few months - and in much much smaller amounts so that we can still get up to the children the next morning, cleaning house and eating cereal for breakfast.

BIG change! And we did that together. And it was awesome.

But as awesome as it is to have that, I hope that Izzy doesn't.

Like I said, I was a kid when we started dating. I went from being a high school student living with her parents to Logan's mrs living with him in just a few months really. I feel like I have always had him. In July, we will celebrate our 8 year anniversary. Thats pretty crazy considering our ages, so it's always been him. 

He is who I tell my secrets too, he is who I turn to for comfort. He is who looks after me. He is who I miss after just a few hours apart. He is my best friend. He is a part of me. A big part. The most important part. 

I mean hey, when we have an argument - and we don't often at all - but when we do, when he pisses me off so much that I just wanna cry (I cry about everything ok? don't judge) and tell him to piss off, guess who I want to cuddle e better? Yeah, Logan. Sounds silly huh?

So can you see yet, why I don't want my daughter to follow in my footsteps? Why I don't want her to find her great love, her other half, while she is a teenager? 

No?

Three months before the kids and I moved to Queensland, Logan did. That was heart breaking for me. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. Being apart from him that is. The way I describe him, as a part of me, those aren't just words, I don't say them lightly. I mean it, I mean it more than I can even explain. And so, having him gone? It was like part of me was gone. We talked every day, but it wasn't enough. I was so lost, I didn't know how to do every day things. For at least a month I didn't even watch tv. A few times I had to leave the kids with my bestie and housemate, and get in the car and go out, and just drive and drive and drive. I didn't think, I just drove. I tried to replace him with my friends, hanging out heaps kept me busy, but it didn't help me when I was alone at night. I felt like I couldn't make it through that time alone. I felt like.. I don't even know how to explain it. But it sucked.

My point is that I had never had any independence, I had never had to do anything myself, I never learnt that I could do anything myself. I always had him there to turn to when I needed, and suddenly I was so alone. Even my best friends couldn't provide me with the comfort I needed.

And that is why I want my daughter to experience independence. I want her to move out and live alone for a while. Not because I want her to be lonely, but because I want her to learn that she can do it. I want her to know that she doesn't need a man, that she is strong and independent and whole. I want her to know that if she goes through a break up or is apart from her partner from a long period of time, she will get through it just fine. I want her to enjoy spending time with herself.

I understand that any time apart/break up is hard after being together for a while. But I believe that it will be easier on her if she has already experienced independence. If she already knows that being alone isn't the end of the world.

By all means, I hope for her to have an amazing relationship like I do. I want her to have a wonderful man to lean on, someone that will understand her and care for her and be her whole world. But I want her to experience independence first.

The kiddies convos..

I know I don't post often anymore. These migraines are really getting the best of me lately. And when I do post, it's usually serious boring stuff, So I've decided not to wait on this post any longer, although I was hoping to build it up to be a fair bit bigger.. But I feel a little light-hearted-ness is needed, so I'll add more later. :-)

These are snippets of conversations/statements that I've captured throughout my children's lives. These are the funny ones. Obviously there have been many more, but these are what come to mind right now. Enjoy.

(Izzy's first ever smart arse comment at 2 years old)

*Zay throws paper at Izzy*

Izzy: "aargh Zay, I'm not a post office!!"

Zay: *watching the goblin (Spider-Man) singing Incy Wincy Spider*

"Mumma, he sang the Incy Wincy Spider song like this:"

*recites the goblins lyrics*

Me: "Yeah it's pretty funny huh?"

Xavier: "Yeah, and pretty wrong"

Izzy: "Hey mum, I have a boyfriend.. His name is Joey and I wish I could live with him cos I love him so badly!"

*Bay follows Izzy into the Macca's playground and spots a small puddle*
Bay: "Oh dear! Do wee! Izzy you do wee! Naughty Izzy, Go toilet!"

Izzy: "You started it Brat-Face, so there!"
Logan: "So where?"
Izzy: "In your mouth!"
Zay: "That's not even lol!"

*Zay hangs the loom bang hook off his bottom lip*
Izzy: "Please stop it, your freaking me out!"
Zay: "Hahahaha it's funny!" *Does it again*
Izzy: "Stop it! I can't stand it! It's horrible! It's terrible! It's killing me!"

*driving away from school after dropping Izzy and Zay off"
Bailey: "Bye Izzy, Bye Yaya, See soon, Good day, Miss you!" *Blows a kiss* "Love you!"

On Private Parts and why I took it so far

The kids and I have had so many serious conversations lately. We tend to have these conversations little bits at a time. I don't want to overwhelm them with information and make them feel like I'm lecturing them so they get bored and stop listening, but I feel that what we are talking about is so incredibly important.

One such conversation is that of private parts. Of course there is the part of this conversation that everyone has with their children at some point. About how panties/jocks stay on and no one is to see or touch that part of their body. About how underwear is incredibly important under skirts and dresses and sticking penisis out at other people is very rude (yes, we have had to have that conversation in this house, because it seems that even 2 year olds and 4 year olds find wiggling it at people hilarious).

I've been meaning to have these conversations for a while now, but we never got far with them. Just the usual conversation was had. But the other day, after a big play outside with some other children from our complex, I heard my children whispering from behind the couch. I asked them what they were whispering about and they responded with "I don't want to tell you because it's rude"s. 

Yep. We know that's exactly when mum does need to hear about it. 

So I probed a little deeper until, after much promising on my behalf they they will not be in trouble, they eventually decided to give it up. Apparently one of the little girls they had been playing with (a five year old!!), had said something about oral sex. Or I should say, suggested it. Of course she didn't know what to call it. And yes, I'm rather worried about where this young child heard this from. 

Now obviously the usual conversation covers this, but I felt like this was an opening to take it further, so I did.

We started it at mouths. Mouths are private parts too. This is a hard one to explain to young children, because despite what they heard from the little girl, going so far as to actually be specific is too far for me at this stage, so we kept this one strait forward. Non-edible items do not go in your mouth. No one else can put things in your mouth. Kisses are special for family members only.

And then we moved onto hands. Hands are private parts too. Well they are now, anyway. I haven't perfected the way I go about this one yet. I haven't found a way to say this one that leaves me feeling like I've used the right words. But for now I'm going with private. They are private because they are yours, and because no one can make you do things with your hands that you feel uncomfortable doing. Or that you think may be wrong or rude. If someone wants you to do something with your hands that break any of the above rules then your breaking this one too. Pretty much.

And this is where we took this converstation to the point that some may see as too far. But I will explain why I don't see it that way soon.

Hugs are now limited too. Hugs are saved for family members and 'bestest friends'. There is to be no hugging random people, no hugging friends parents, no hugging teachers and so on and so fourth. 

And "I love you"s. Same rules apply as above.

And one last one. If you don't feel comfortable - don't do it. I will not be that parent that forces the child to sit on uncles lap or give the friend of the family a kiss goodbye. Other than basic politeness, my children to not have to interact with anyone if they do not feel comfortable in doing so. 

Now for my reasoning:

I will do anything it takes to keep my children from being vulnerable. I will do everything within my power to teach them to be strong, to be cautious, to be confident. I will do everything I can, to ensure that my children are not sucked in to a false sence of love from predictors.

I feel that by not setting these standards for my kids, I'm allowing them to be vulnerable. These are standards and values that my children will carry with them throughout their lives. And this is so incredibly important to me. We cannot ever be 100% sure that we are keeping our children safe from pediphiles or rapists. It is well known by all that these bad things happen anywhere. Everywhere. And that includes in their schools and even their homes. Our children need to have the knowledge and confidence within themselves to know what is right and wrong. To be able to keep themselves - as much as is ever possible - from being caught up in a situation where they are the victim. 

It is my job as their mother to do everything within my power and beyond it, to prevent said incidents and situations. 

And for this reason, not that they yet know that this is the reason, I have and will continue to encourage my children not to keep secrets from me or their father. I know that that's not something that I can prevent as all kids keep secrets, but I'll do my best to be there and to have them feel like I will listen to anything they have to say without judgement. 

That's all I can do. 

My freakin awesome day!

Hey! Guess what! 

I've made it almost a whole day without a migraine! I've had a small headache all day but all it has been is an annoyance really, compared to normal. It's 5pm now and I can only just feel it starting to get bad now. That is pretty freakin awesome!! :-D :-D 

If you have no idea why having a small headache all day and getting a migraine at 5pm is awesome, then go take a look at this post and this post and this post. It wont take you long to understand.

Seriously, what an awesome day!! I really had forgotten what it is like to spend a day not cringing from every sound and every bit of light. YAY!

I spent about an hour or so this morning working on a website for one of my current assessments, then while Logan took a nap on the sofa I, wait for it.. blasted the music (crazy right?!) and had a major clean up, pausing every now and then to dance my butt off (unfortunately not literally) with the kiddo's (in case you picked up on the whole Logan napping and me blasting the music and vacuuming thing, I thought I should add in here that I am, in fact, not a inconsiderate person as Logan is such a heavy sleeper that he didn't flinch once, in fact, he even sleeps through the smoke alarm - yeah, that's a worry), had lunch with the family and then we did some crafts together. 

You can check out these cuties in close-ups here.

This is such an amazing change from every other day. Especially yesterday. Wednesday I went back to the eye specialist and had them tested again. The specialist has decided to change the lenses and so have sent my glasses away to have this done, meaning I'm not far off blind for the next 2-3 weeks.

Yesterday afternoon I was trying to work on my website and having so much trouble between the kids noise (a friends daughter was here for a small play - she is pretty well behaved when she is here, but for some reason, the second she walks through the door, or my kids spot her out the window, my kids just turn into ferrals. Seriously, they do. Loud, Naughty, Psycho Ferrals.), Logan being at work - so unable to help, my head fuzzy from my migraine and pain killers and my eyes fuzzy from lack of glasses. Plus, code is like, a different language, and because I am still learning, I am not yet fluent in it.

Imagine trying to study in a different language while drunk at a party. 

Yeah, that.

Anyway, with Zay being whingy because he is hungry and kicking the mouse every few minutes and then pretending it was an accident and starting fights with anyone that looks his way, and Bay not watching what he's doing and knocking the power cord out over and over and Izzy playing with her uncle (noisily I might add), I have completely lost where I was going with this. So I might have to leave it here for today. It must be time to get dinner organized so that the kids can head to bed.

Well I'm glad that I managed to find this chance to share with you my awesome day. A day like this - so very very few and far between - should not go un-noticed!

Thanks for being there my dear readers, because while I have tried to explain to you your worth, I'm sure that you still could not possibly understand.


Sami xx