Im moving!

One of the coolest things about my current course (Diploma of Website Development) is that what I'm learning is so practical in my life. I use it every day, and I find it so interesting! 

I have decided to use my new (and still developing) skills to improve my site, and for this reason I am moving to a new platform. You will now me able to find me at A Diary of a Mum (it's a link, click it!).

I am so excited about this move! I really do hope that you guys enjoy my new site. 

As I am still in the process of moving, you will find that some posts I post there may be duplicates of a few here that are important to me, or maybe a version of something you have read here. Please be patient with me as I make this move. I will try to do it as quickly and smoothly as possible but as we all know, life can get in the way sometimes.

If you want to get in contact with me for any reason, head over to my new site. You will find a contact form that just requires your name, email and comment. Your own site is optional but please, if you do have one, put it in there so i can check it out!

I hope to see you guys move with me as I really do enjoy having you all around!

xx

Lazy: My new busy

Opening this "write new post" window is feeling so weird, so weird and yet strangely right too. Weird because it has been so long since my last post, but right because that's just how it has always felt. Like home. Like when you have been off on holidays and then you come home and it feels weird but strangely comforting to be there. "Weird and Home". or "Weird Home". In fact what home isn't a little weird? So I guess maybe just "home". Yeah, opening this window feel like home. 

Anyway, it's good to be home!

I can't use the "I've been busy - oh so busy" excuse for not dropping in for a while because let's face it.. I've not been busy at all! Between the migraines that give me, well, 0 motivation to do anything, and my MacBook having not yet arrived (meaning I can't study) and Bay being at daycare (because if I take him out for this small amount of time that I'm not studying I may lose his spot), I've done pretty much nothing! A little cleaning here and there, but mostly just laying around soaking up the empty hours and filling them with Lazy. 

I'm not used to being lazy, it is not because I am not a lazy person, but simply because I get so bored so easily. I usually do my best to fill my hours with things that matter; cleaning, studying, shopping, organising, helping people when I can, and when I can't be on my feet I like to do crafty things, this is where my Quiet Books and Felt Masks and All The Rest came from. Because I can't even watch T.V without doing something else at the same time. But I have just not wanted to leave bed these last two weeks. I'm beginning to really enjoy bed. I sent this email to my tutor this morning:

Hey _____,

Any news on my Mac?
Don't get me wrong, lazing around has its perks, but I'm worried I may get used to it.

Sami :-)

And it's true! I'm really starting to wonder how I am to go back to college daily and miss out on all this lovely resting time?! My migraines have certainly gone a bit easier on me while I have been lazing around - that is, until my lovely loud children come home after school anyway. 

But it seems lazy time is close to coming to an end. My lovely tutor replied that my Mac is currently at HQ. Hopefully this means I will be playing with the sexy new device by next week! :-D This is cause for celebration!!

It is Izzy's 7th birthday on May 28, just 9 days to go. She is having a sleepover on Friday the 30th. She has chosen to have just 2 friends over which has worked out wonderfully as Logan and I have come up with a lovely way to spend  the afternoon with the girls. I can't wait to share our plans with you all!! I am still trying to decide whether to share it as I move through the planning stages or to wait until it has all happened. I have always been terrible at waiting. So impatient I am. I bought Izzy's main birthday present the other day and it is killing me to hand it over already!

Anyway, it was lovely to be back and to share with you all a brief update, but I have more planning to do (from bed of course) before it is time to pick up the children from school.

Chat soon (I'll try not to leave it so long this time),

Sami :-) x

All the Things to go to the Salvo's..

So here's the thing. You know how the Salvos Stores accept our stuff? The stuff that we don't want anymore? Well today I came accross this on their website:

"Please note that in some instances, because of government regulations, we may be unable to accept white goods/electrical items and mattresses."

Well I'm excited! I have a whole list of things I want to get rid of. Being that it doesn't include White Goods, Electrical Items and Mattresses, it seems that they must accept them. Yay for me! Want to see my list? Of course you do! Well here it is;

1. Migraines

2. T.V Adverts

3. Bedtime Tantrums

4. Dinner time Tantrums

5. Supermarket Tantrums

6. All Other Tantrums

7. Blisters

8. Wee on the Toilet Seat

9. Bad Drivers

10. Crappy Daytime Telly Shows

11. Bills

12. Cold Coffee

13. Empty Gas Bottles

14. Dirty Washing

15. Bullies

16. Rapists

17. Pedo's

18. Pimples

19. Cramps

20. Terrible Three's

21. War

22. Displaced Guilt

23. Vacuuming

24. Huntsman's

25. Bad Smells

26. Hiding Places of Lost Bobby-Pins and Socks

27. Hair in Unwanted Places

28. Sweat

29. Fat

30. Toilet Training

31. Waking Up before 8am

32. The inability to build a Fully Functioning Time Machine

I could continue, but I suppose that I, at some point, need to take responsibility for the crappy things in life. Boo to that you guys, boo to that!

You know what? I'm going to add one more thing to the list:

33. Chocolate Chip Cookies

Because I should show some appreciation to the poor people at the Salvo's who will have to accept and deal with my crappy list of things. Sorry Salvo's Volunteers.. But maybe next time you will remember to add Crappy Things to your list of things you won't accept.

Just doing my bit to help :-)

Just an update

I finally had my appointment today to find out the results of my MRI. It turns out that I have an absent diaphragma sellae. As far as I can understand it, this is a lid over part of the brain that is supposed to be empty, but because I am missing the lid, it if full of whatever fluid is in the brain. 

Yeah, I don't know much about it and I think I will be happy to keep it that way. I have a few friends, not naming names but you know who you are - that google health related things all the time and they always end up totally freaking themselves out so I know to stay away from google.

Anyway, the doctor told me that she doesn't know the significance of this, or where we go from here so she is sending me to a neurologist. Apparently this may be a big wait, like a few months. Great.

In other news, I stopped by a health shop today and spoke to a woman there about Zay. I told her what Im trying to do and how I'm having such a hard time doing it. I ended up buying some calm strawberry flavoured tablets and fish oil. Following that I went to the supermarket and ended up decided that for now I'm just going to try to cut out all preservatives and a lot of the sugar. Cutting all sugar doesn't seem like a possibility.

Oh and also.. I get my MacBook Pro soon! It has been ordered :-D I'm THAT excited! Until it arrives I'm sort of on a study break. Other than a few knowledge questions, there is nothing else I can do because I need my new Mac to start on the database units.

I really don't think I've got anything else at the moment. I started this blog as a way to get everything out, and I had a LOT to get out at the time, but as time has gone on, my migraines have gotten worse and just taken over. Everything else has taken a back peddle for me. 

I haven't worked on my quiet books since last year, I hardly am able to cook from scratch anymore and between my migraines, study, housework and the kids being off at school, daycare and friends houses, kids activities have become a bit of the past too. It actually really sucks. I want to go back to getting excited over coloured rice and felt food and stuff like that. Can I just quit everything else maybe?

Sometimes the kids growing up is an awesome thing. Sometimes it just sucks.

ADHD?

For a long time, as long as I can remember really, we've had a lot of trouble with Zay's behaviour. We have thought, since he was 2, that he may have ADHD. I never took him to the doctors though because I figured that it could just be a bad case of the terrible 2's. 

A few days ago Zay turned 5. I took him to the doctor finally and he gave us a referral to see a paediatrician. For the last 3 years I've really been back and fourth about the idea. I guess I just wanted to believe that he was acting up, but as he gets older it just seems more and more like ADHD is the only possibility. 

He is loud and hyperactive, he can't sit for long or stand in one place for long. If we are in line at the store he kinda hops around like he needs to pee. When watching a movie he moves seats every few minutes, gets up and jumps around the room while trying so hard to keep watching but usually failing. He has a hard time concentrating, he gets bored of things so quickly, even school work despite his love of learning. He gets angry quickly and just loses control completely. I can see it, I can see him fighting to regain control, I can see how hard it is for him. His emotions are magnified significantly compared with Izzy and Bay and other children I know. He hates being alone, he seems to need almost constant attention. He cannot entertain himself often and when he does play alone, it is usually an activity that I have encouraged him to do and will last just a few minutes.

On Friday at lunch time I got a call from the Vice Principle at Zay's school asking me to go collect him. When I got there I was met by both Principle and Vice Principle who directed me into a room with Zay. I sat down and the Vice Principle started reading off a list. 

"He kicked a child, unprovoked, He threw the puzzles and games all over the floor, He called Mrs C (his teacher) a Bloody Arsehole, He kicked the teacher aide..."

By this point I was in shock and had just stopped listening. As she started reading from the list, Zay crawled under my chair and lay on the floor, by the time she was done, he was crying so hard I was worried he was going to make himself sick. After they chatted to me for a bit longer and had agreed to collect some work sheets for him to work on while I studied myself, I took him outside for a cuddle to try to calm him down. 

I have to say, the meeting went a lot different to the way I expected. I thought I would be leaving the school feeling quite upset with Zay for his behaviour. Instead, I left trying hard to hold back tears. Not because I was angry or disappointed or anything like that, but because I felt terrible for my little man. It breaks my heart to know that he loses control the way he does. It breaks my heart to not be able to help him.

I have spoken to Logan since then and we are both convinced that his teacher and the teacher aide handled the situation wrong. We have no information what-so-ever on how they handled it, but we know already, because Zay would never lose it that badly here, because we know how to handle him when he has a melt down. Because we know never to try to force him to calm down, never to grab him or raise our voices after he has lost control. 

For this reason we have decided to see if we can make a time to speak with his teacher on Logan's RDO on Tuesday, to try to find out how they handled the situation the other day and try to make sure they never do it the way they did again. 

Also for this reason, I am scared at the idea of him going back to school tomorrow. I am scared because I don't want to put him back in that position again, with people who clearly don't yet understand him properly. I feel that once he has lost control he needs the adults around him to understand him and to help him to calm down. I feel like if he has lost control of his emotions and actions and he has adults grabbing at him and trying to lead him off to a corner or office or whatever when he is not ready then that may be scary for him, and I don't want to be responsible for allowing him to be in that situation again.

We have also decided to attempt the hard task of cutting sugar from Zay's diet. Today I started the process. I made Rolled Oats with sultanas for breakfast, scrambled eggs with mixed veg and herbs for lunch and a mandarin and rye corn cakes with natural peanut butter for snacks. Tonight I will make Spaghetti with a home-made sauce for dinner and in replace of garlic bread I will give him a slice of whole grain bread. After a trip to the supermarket today and some time spent in the health food isle inspecting food packaging, I have seen just how big a task this is going to be. 

I had a chat to him about the new diet today and he is excited about the possibility of it making life easier for him. After extensive research I have decided I am also going to look into fish oil too.

Fingers crossed it all works wonders for my little man.

Dear 5 year old Zay

Dear Zay,
Today is your 5th birthday. I can't believe that you were born a whole 5 years ago. Woah.

I still remember the night that you decided you were coming. I remember it clear as day. You were two weeks early and I thought that I was just getting brackston hicks, so I didn't even think twice about actually being in labour. Surprise! I'm not going to bore you with my long labour story, but I realised at 11 at night that you were actually going to come within the next 24 hours and sure enough, you made me suffer until the next morning when you finally made it into the world. And I had to do it without drugs too. You meanie.

Now, I'm not going to tell you that you were cute, because even though you had the whole "I'm a newborn baby" thing going for you, you looked like an old man. Everyone disagreed but thats only because you have to tell a mum that her baby is cute. You looked like an old man, period.

But I tell you what mate, you were worth the pain, and the old man face didn't last long. Pretty soon you were too cute for my own good. Seriously, you had me wrapped around your little finger. 

That first night, you refused to sleep without holding me. You just wanted a finger to hold on to but that was so damn uncomfortable so, against the midwives wishes, I put you in bed with me, pulled up the rails to make sure you couldn't fall out, and we slept like that all night. It seems that there was no need for me to be worrying about you falling out though, because I woke up in the exact same position, holding you, as I had gone to sleep in 6 hours earlier! Didn't move an inch. See? I was protective of you from that very first night, and when we woke up, I was already wrapped around your little finger. So much so that you slept in our bed for almost a year!

We've had a busy, loud, stressful five years since!

You are such a beautiful little boy Zay, so loveable, so emotional. You are the kinda boy that everyone falls in love with! Your laugh is just so damn cute and oh my gosh the way you get excited about things! You jump up and down with so much energy, your big happy grin is ridiculously contagious. Gorgeous!

Your incredible emotions bring you so much trouble too little man! I tell you what! When you are happy, you are happy! Everyone knows it, you make sure they do. And when you are angry, oh boy, same rules apply! 

When you get angry you throw the most insane tantrums! Even now at 5 years old you know how to kick and scream. If someone, especially your brother or sister, pisses you off, they sure do hear about it! At least we know you will never let anyone walk all over you. And good for you buddy!

This year you started prep. At first you were so so excited about that, now you complain to me that it is boring. Despite your complaints, I know you enjoy it. Today I dropped a chocolate cake - your request - off to your classroom for you to share with your friends. You were so happy about having shared it. You have always been an amazing sharer. 

When Dad and I picked you up from school, one of your hands was blue. You told me that it is from painting. You are always covered in paint. And sand. And dirt. And texta. And food. You bring home beautiful pieces of artwork that you are so so proud of. And you can write now too! Something that you enjoy so much.

You and your brother have recently discovered Super Hero's. You guy's are simply obsessed! Last year you were into Disney Cars and Toy Story, but this new obsession has just taken over everything. Batman and Spider-man seem to be the favourites, with Iron Man and Superman not too far behind. I've gotta admit, I'm loving it. Seeing you two running around pretending to be super heroes, you both just seem so grown up! On Bailey's birthday I bought a Batman LEGO movie on iTunes. You guys have watched it at least once, sometimes three or four time a day since!

Before I end this letter, I'm going to interview you quickly to find out a few faves, for future reference and all:

Mum: "Hey Zay, Wanna answer some questions for me? So that I can write them down for us to read when you're bigger?"
Zay: "Yep!"
Mum: "Cool, thanks buddy."
Zay: "You're welcome"
Mum: "So, What's your favourite colour?"
Zay: "Um.. Blue"
Mum: "What about food?"
Zay: "Cake!"
Mum: "What food don't you like?"
Zay: "Um.. Um.. Tomatoes"
Mum: "Who is your favourite Super Hero?"
Zay: "Batman.. & Superman.. & Robin.. & Spiderman!"
Mum: "Why?"
Zay: "Because Spider-man makes webs & the other ones fly"
Mum: "Awesome, pick a number, any number"
Zay: "Um.. 13"
Mum: "What do you what to be when you grow up?"
Zay: "Um.. 13"
Mum: "Hahaha, If you could play a sport, what sport would you want to play?"
Zay: "Soccer & Tennis"
Mum: "How much do you love me?"
Zay: "Um.. 38 & 1 Million"
Mum: "I love you that much too! Thanks for the interview Mate"
Zay: "You're Welcome"

You have come a long way in your five years mate, and I am so proud of you. You stress me and dad out so much and if dad or I have gone grey by the age of 30, it will be your fault, but you are so worth it. I wouldn't have it any other way! And hey.. you had to have gotten it from somewhere hey! *Cough* Dad *Cough* ;-)

Happy Birthday Honey, I love you more than I ever knew possible and look forward to sharing many many more chocolate cakes with you!!

Love always and forever, 
Your Mumma xox

My wish for you.. Independence

I was only 16 when Logan and I first started dating, when I fell pregnant with Izzy and when we bought our first house. Yeah, we did it all young and quickly.

It was kinda awesome, doing it all so young. It was fun. I was a kid still, Logan only 18, so in a way I guess we grew up together. We grew from teens that slept half the day away on the weekends, ate footy pies from the petrol station for breakfast, drank each weekend, did whatever we wanted whenever we wanted, to this, now, at 23 and 25. Mature, grown up. Working and studying hard, looking after three kids, drinking once every few months - and in much much smaller amounts so that we can still get up to the children the next morning, cleaning house and eating cereal for breakfast.

BIG change! And we did that together. And it was awesome.

But as awesome as it is to have that, I hope that Izzy doesn't.

Like I said, I was a kid when we started dating. I went from being a high school student living with her parents to Logan's mrs living with him in just a few months really. I feel like I have always had him. In July, we will celebrate our 8 year anniversary. Thats pretty crazy considering our ages, so it's always been him. 

He is who I tell my secrets too, he is who I turn to for comfort. He is who looks after me. He is who I miss after just a few hours apart. He is my best friend. He is a part of me. A big part. The most important part. 

I mean hey, when we have an argument - and we don't often at all - but when we do, when he pisses me off so much that I just wanna cry (I cry about everything ok? don't judge) and tell him to piss off, guess who I want to cuddle e better? Yeah, Logan. Sounds silly huh?

So can you see yet, why I don't want my daughter to follow in my footsteps? Why I don't want her to find her great love, her other half, while she is a teenager? 

No?

Three months before the kids and I moved to Queensland, Logan did. That was heart breaking for me. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. Being apart from him that is. The way I describe him, as a part of me, those aren't just words, I don't say them lightly. I mean it, I mean it more than I can even explain. And so, having him gone? It was like part of me was gone. We talked every day, but it wasn't enough. I was so lost, I didn't know how to do every day things. For at least a month I didn't even watch tv. A few times I had to leave the kids with my bestie and housemate, and get in the car and go out, and just drive and drive and drive. I didn't think, I just drove. I tried to replace him with my friends, hanging out heaps kept me busy, but it didn't help me when I was alone at night. I felt like I couldn't make it through that time alone. I felt like.. I don't even know how to explain it. But it sucked.

My point is that I had never had any independence, I had never had to do anything myself, I never learnt that I could do anything myself. I always had him there to turn to when I needed, and suddenly I was so alone. Even my best friends couldn't provide me with the comfort I needed.

And that is why I want my daughter to experience independence. I want her to move out and live alone for a while. Not because I want her to be lonely, but because I want her to learn that she can do it. I want her to know that she doesn't need a man, that she is strong and independent and whole. I want her to know that if she goes through a break up or is apart from her partner from a long period of time, she will get through it just fine. I want her to enjoy spending time with herself.

I understand that any time apart/break up is hard after being together for a while. But I believe that it will be easier on her if she has already experienced independence. If she already knows that being alone isn't the end of the world.

By all means, I hope for her to have an amazing relationship like I do. I want her to have a wonderful man to lean on, someone that will understand her and care for her and be her whole world. But I want her to experience independence first.

The kiddies convos..

I know I don't post often anymore. These migraines are really getting the best of me lately. And when I do post, it's usually serious boring stuff, So I've decided not to wait on this post any longer, although I was hoping to build it up to be a fair bit bigger.. But I feel a little light-hearted-ness is needed, so I'll add more later. :-)

These are snippets of conversations/statements that I've captured throughout my children's lives. These are the funny ones. Obviously there have been many more, but these are what come to mind right now. Enjoy.

(Izzy's first ever smart arse comment at 2 years old)

*Zay throws paper at Izzy*

Izzy: "aargh Zay, I'm not a post office!!"

Zay: *watching the goblin (Spider-Man) singing Incy Wincy Spider*

"Mumma, he sang the Incy Wincy Spider song like this:"

*recites the goblins lyrics*

Me: "Yeah it's pretty funny huh?"

Xavier: "Yeah, and pretty wrong"

Izzy: "Hey mum, I have a boyfriend.. His name is Joey and I wish I could live with him cos I love him so badly!"

*Bay follows Izzy into the Macca's playground and spots a small puddle*
Bay: "Oh dear! Do wee! Izzy you do wee! Naughty Izzy, Go toilet!"

Izzy: "You started it Brat-Face, so there!"
Logan: "So where?"
Izzy: "In your mouth!"
Zay: "That's not even lol!"

*Zay hangs the loom bang hook off his bottom lip*
Izzy: "Please stop it, your freaking me out!"
Zay: "Hahahaha it's funny!" *Does it again*
Izzy: "Stop it! I can't stand it! It's horrible! It's terrible! It's killing me!"

*driving away from school after dropping Izzy and Zay off"
Bailey: "Bye Izzy, Bye Yaya, See soon, Good day, Miss you!" *Blows a kiss* "Love you!"

On Private Parts and why I took it so far

The kids and I have had so many serious conversations lately. We tend to have these conversations little bits at a time. I don't want to overwhelm them with information and make them feel like I'm lecturing them so they get bored and stop listening, but I feel that what we are talking about is so incredibly important.

One such conversation is that of private parts. Of course there is the part of this conversation that everyone has with their children at some point. About how panties/jocks stay on and no one is to see or touch that part of their body. About how underwear is incredibly important under skirts and dresses and sticking penisis out at other people is very rude (yes, we have had to have that conversation in this house, because it seems that even 2 year olds and 4 year olds find wiggling it at people hilarious).

I've been meaning to have these conversations for a while now, but we never got far with them. Just the usual conversation was had. But the other day, after a big play outside with some other children from our complex, I heard my children whispering from behind the couch. I asked them what they were whispering about and they responded with "I don't want to tell you because it's rude"s. 

Yep. We know that's exactly when mum does need to hear about it. 

So I probed a little deeper until, after much promising on my behalf they they will not be in trouble, they eventually decided to give it up. Apparently one of the little girls they had been playing with (a five year old!!), had said something about oral sex. Or I should say, suggested it. Of course she didn't know what to call it. And yes, I'm rather worried about where this young child heard this from. 

Now obviously the usual conversation covers this, but I felt like this was an opening to take it further, so I did.

We started it at mouths. Mouths are private parts too. This is a hard one to explain to young children, because despite what they heard from the little girl, going so far as to actually be specific is too far for me at this stage, so we kept this one strait forward. Non-edible items do not go in your mouth. No one else can put things in your mouth. Kisses are special for family members only.

And then we moved onto hands. Hands are private parts too. Well they are now, anyway. I haven't perfected the way I go about this one yet. I haven't found a way to say this one that leaves me feeling like I've used the right words. But for now I'm going with private. They are private because they are yours, and because no one can make you do things with your hands that you feel uncomfortable doing. Or that you think may be wrong or rude. If someone wants you to do something with your hands that break any of the above rules then your breaking this one too. Pretty much.

And this is where we took this converstation to the point that some may see as too far. But I will explain why I don't see it that way soon.

Hugs are now limited too. Hugs are saved for family members and 'bestest friends'. There is to be no hugging random people, no hugging friends parents, no hugging teachers and so on and so fourth. 

And "I love you"s. Same rules apply as above.

And one last one. If you don't feel comfortable - don't do it. I will not be that parent that forces the child to sit on uncles lap or give the friend of the family a kiss goodbye. Other than basic politeness, my children to not have to interact with anyone if they do not feel comfortable in doing so. 

Now for my reasoning:

I will do anything it takes to keep my children from being vulnerable. I will do everything within my power to teach them to be strong, to be cautious, to be confident. I will do everything I can, to ensure that my children are not sucked in to a false sence of love from predictors.

I feel that by not setting these standards for my kids, I'm allowing them to be vulnerable. These are standards and values that my children will carry with them throughout their lives. And this is so incredibly important to me. We cannot ever be 100% sure that we are keeping our children safe from pediphiles or rapists. It is well known by all that these bad things happen anywhere. Everywhere. And that includes in their schools and even their homes. Our children need to have the knowledge and confidence within themselves to know what is right and wrong. To be able to keep themselves - as much as is ever possible - from being caught up in a situation where they are the victim. 

It is my job as their mother to do everything within my power and beyond it, to prevent said incidents and situations. 

And for this reason, not that they yet know that this is the reason, I have and will continue to encourage my children not to keep secrets from me or their father. I know that that's not something that I can prevent as all kids keep secrets, but I'll do my best to be there and to have them feel like I will listen to anything they have to say without judgement. 

That's all I can do. 

My freakin awesome day!

Hey! Guess what! 

I've made it almost a whole day without a migraine! I've had a small headache all day but all it has been is an annoyance really, compared to normal. It's 5pm now and I can only just feel it starting to get bad now. That is pretty freakin awesome!! :-D :-D 

If you have no idea why having a small headache all day and getting a migraine at 5pm is awesome, then go take a look at this post and this post and this post. It wont take you long to understand.

Seriously, what an awesome day!! I really had forgotten what it is like to spend a day not cringing from every sound and every bit of light. YAY!

I spent about an hour or so this morning working on a website for one of my current assessments, then while Logan took a nap on the sofa I, wait for it.. blasted the music (crazy right?!) and had a major clean up, pausing every now and then to dance my butt off (unfortunately not literally) with the kiddo's (in case you picked up on the whole Logan napping and me blasting the music and vacuuming thing, I thought I should add in here that I am, in fact, not a inconsiderate person as Logan is such a heavy sleeper that he didn't flinch once, in fact, he even sleeps through the smoke alarm - yeah, that's a worry), had lunch with the family and then we did some crafts together. 

You can check out these cuties in close-ups here.

This is such an amazing change from every other day. Especially yesterday. Wednesday I went back to the eye specialist and had them tested again. The specialist has decided to change the lenses and so have sent my glasses away to have this done, meaning I'm not far off blind for the next 2-3 weeks.

Yesterday afternoon I was trying to work on my website and having so much trouble between the kids noise (a friends daughter was here for a small play - she is pretty well behaved when she is here, but for some reason, the second she walks through the door, or my kids spot her out the window, my kids just turn into ferrals. Seriously, they do. Loud, Naughty, Psycho Ferrals.), Logan being at work - so unable to help, my head fuzzy from my migraine and pain killers and my eyes fuzzy from lack of glasses. Plus, code is like, a different language, and because I am still learning, I am not yet fluent in it.

Imagine trying to study in a different language while drunk at a party. 

Yeah, that.

Anyway, with Zay being whingy because he is hungry and kicking the mouse every few minutes and then pretending it was an accident and starting fights with anyone that looks his way, and Bay not watching what he's doing and knocking the power cord out over and over and Izzy playing with her uncle (noisily I might add), I have completely lost where I was going with this. So I might have to leave it here for today. It must be time to get dinner organized so that the kids can head to bed.

Well I'm glad that I managed to find this chance to share with you my awesome day. A day like this - so very very few and far between - should not go un-noticed!

Thanks for being there my dear readers, because while I have tried to explain to you your worth, I'm sure that you still could not possibly understand.


Sami xx

Can I go home now?

I hate leaving the blog without a post for so long, but I really haven't had much to say lately.

Last Friday I had a CT to try to find out the cause for my constant migraines. When the doctor told me on Thursday that she wanted me to go have a CT I was over the moon, finally after almost seven years, someone wants to actually do their job and help. I was so relieved as I really didn't think there was anything to find, instead, I saw it as a way for them to provide a bit of piece of mind for me, for them to tell me that there is nothing to find in my brain. I know that that certainly wouldn't help rid me of them, but I could certainly do with a bit of good news.

But I've gotta admit, it got to Friday and I was so nervous! Suddenly I started thinking about the possibility of them actually finding something. I mean, we all know it's possible right? Seven years of migraines doesn't happen for no reason. And it certainly is a symptom of brain tumours. So what if that's what it is? What if I get to the doctors expecting to hear that we need to look into other options because my brain is fine, and instead I get devastating news? Yeah.. 

Well unfortunately I can't tell you that everything turned out fine because I don't actually know. My follow up appointment isn't until next Wednesday. Even though I am trying to keep positive, I have asked Logan to, if he is not working dayshift next week, come to my appointment, because even though it's all going to be fine, I need him there just in case. Because I wouldn't be able to cope with bad news on my own.

As for the actual migraines, they haven't gotten any better. Not in the slightest. If anything, they are worse. 

I try my absolute hardest to go on as normal. With Logan busy working and studying, I really don't have a choice but to keep going. If I don't do the dishes, cook the dinner or wash the dirty clothes then it won't get done (most of the time anyway, sometimes my dear man is kind enough to cook dinner for me). And I want everything to be normal. I don't want my kids memories of their childhoods to be based around their mum always in pain, so, other than expecting as much quiet as is possible to get out of three young children (and a Daddy that likes to play loud and rough with kiddies), I try not to let it affect our days. I put on a brave face, to the best of my ability, and pretend everything is fine. Because they come first, of course.

But it doesn't always work like that.

On Sunday I had a complete breakdown. One minute I was getting ready to head to the supermarket, and the next I was on the kitchen floor crying. Bawling really. Eventually Logan sent me up to bed and I must have continued to cry for an hour or more. The tears just wouldn't stop. I was feeling terrible for giving up, but that's exactly what I wanted to do. Just. Give. Up.

Because it is so hard. It really is. And I am so tired. So I hid in bed and just cried for a while. And I could hear Logan downstairs with the boys trying to keep them quiet, but there isn't much you can do to keep a 2 year old boy and a 4 year old boy quiet. And I tried talking to him, but I couldn't get a sentence out cos I was crying so hard and I was in so much pain. But I just wanted to complain to him. I just wanted to lay on the floor and kick and scream and cry and tell him that it's just not fair! Yes, I know that I am not the only person in pain. Yes, I know there are people out there worse off than me. Yes, at least I am alive, at least I get to spend time with my family. I get it. An you know what? That's what I tell myself every day! "Get over it Sami". But Right then, I didn't care that I have it better than some. Right then, I wanted to be selfish. I wanted to throw a tantrum. I wanted to lay in bed and feel sorry for myself. I wanted someone else to look after me for once! For once, I wanted to act like the sick, exhausted, in pain person that I am. 

I try to be strong, I try to put everyone else first. But come, on, there is only so long that a person can be strong. There is only so long that a person can deal with daily pain and pretend like they are fine before they just can't handle it anymore. Before they need to turn to toddlers methods and kick and scream and cry and let everyone know just how unfair life can be. I guess we should have seen it coming.

Because when most normal people have a migraine and they get the day off work, go home and sleep. And people feel sorry for them and organise them dinner, maybe take their kids for a few hours or whatever. And usually, after a few hours, or the next day at least, their head is better and they can go on with their lives.  But for me it's totally different. 

I'm not saying that no one cares. I know that I have many people that care, but they can't quit their lives to take over mine can they? Especially when, other than Logan, the people who care are across the country from me. 

And so that is where we are at now. Trying to pull the money together to get back to Victoria. To go home. Because we need our family. And we need our friends. Because we can't keep doing this alone. Because here, we might as well know no one. Because our kids don't remember what its like to have a sleep over with grandparents, to be taken to the beach, to be spoilt. And because we have been to doctors and hospitals and stuff so many times in the last year. Having tests on my heart and tests on my head. And the few people we know here can't even take 5 minutes out of their day to ask if I'm ok. To ask if we might need a break, or a bit of help here or there. And we're left stressing because I'm on the couch crying and shaking and almost unable to breathe from the pain in my chest, and we are lucky if we manage to get onto anyone to be able to have the kids for an hour so we can go back to the hospital. And because while Logan's at work and I'm laying on the couch, vision blurred, unable to get move because every time I go to get up I almost face plant it, my poor 6 year old daughter is having to turn the stove off so the house doesn't burn down. And she's having to make sure that Bay isn't getting into things. And they are having to wait for the dizziness to pass so I can get up and fight through the pain to finish cooking their dinner. And I have no one to call, not even to help for 30 minutes, not even to drop off a few dollars of chips for the kids so they can eat without me fearing that I'm going to pass out while cooking for them.

I don't expect that when I get back there everyone will have to run to help me whenever something needs doing. And I don't expect, nor want, someone to take the kids whenever my head hurts (if that were the case I'd never get to see them). But it will be nice to know that there are people who will take the kids for an hour if I need to go to the hospital. It will be nice to know that people around us actually care enough to ask how we are. It will be nice to be able to have a chat with someone other than poor Logan when I need to let out my stress and fear when waiting for results. I'm sure Logan will appreciate me having another shoulder to cry on.

And of course the good things too. All the wonderful things that an active family and a few close friends bring. Like laughter and fun and good chats and relaxation and the feeling of security. Like forgetting what loneliness feels like. Like wonderful relationships that my children need to experience. Like the feeling of being wanted and loved that I can't wait to see my kids feel on a daily basis from someone other than just Logan and I.

Well there you go. I guess I had a lot to say.

I think I'm going to attempt to go into the college with Logan tomorrow for the first time in like 2 weeks or something. He doesn't go without me often and so, after staying home with me for so long, I think I owe it him him to give it a shot. I fear that I'm going to regret it, but my studies have really been lacking lately, and I need to get these current assignments done. Please wish me luck. I think I'm going to need it.

I hope you, my lovely readers, have had a better weekend and start to the week than I. 

Sleep well people, then send me some energy. ;-)


Sami x

Finally some help..

As you would have read here in my post about my daily struggle, I suffer from almost constant migraines. This has made life hard for me, as I'm sure you could imagine, for the last 6 1/2 years, but getting help from a doctor has been a struggle in it self. 

Today I went to a new doctor. 15 minutes later I left her office with a referral for a blood test (which I got done and just have to say, the lady who did it was ridiculously good at her job), and a referral for a CT scan, which I have booked for tomorrow.

I have to admit, I am feeling so relieved in finally having found a doctor who actually cares enough to do something rather than just dismiss me and my worries. Yay!

Packing packing packing..

If you have been following me then you will know that we currently live in Brisbane, QLD. We are from down south, Logan from South Australia and me from Victoria.

In december of 2009 there was no work left in our small town in S.A for Logan and so after staying with Mum in Vic for a week over christmas we decided to move there (my home town). So we packed some stuff and moved there right away.

In 2011 we decided to move to QLD, I'm pretty sure that from the "Yep, def moving", it took me about 3 weeks to get on the plane. I sold all our things and we arrived with a bag of clothes each and a few hundred dollars, and moved in with Logan's mum, sleeping on mattresses. When we decided we were ready to get our own place we had saved nothing, we had our beds and a few toys and a T.V, but we went house hunting anyway and, unexpectedly, we were offered a house within a few days. I didn't get along with Logan's brother, and the kids had problems with him too so we were pretty desperate to move, so accepted the house despite having no savings. Some how, within the next 2 weeks I managed to pull enough money together to buy a couch and a few of the things we needed before moving in and bond money, and I organised a rental fridge. We moved in and then slowly built up a house of furniture and such from there.

So as you can see, we don't really plan, we def don't leave enough time to save cash, we just kinda say "yep lets go" and pull money from our arses and go, so we have no experience in saving over a long period of time and organising things and it certainly isn't an easy thing. We such at it.

We are now wanting to move back to Vic. We have wanted to for a year now, but failed pretty hard last year when we tried saving money for a moving van and what no.

We could easily do the same thing we did before and sell everything to move back but even now, after 2 1/2 years of living here, our children don't have much stuff, not when you compare their pile of toys with what other children their age have, or even what they had before we moved, and I really don't want to sell their things again. Doing that made me feel terribly guilty and I was just lucky that they were so excited about moving that they didn't care about their stuff.

Anyway I think the reason I can manage to pull the money together and organise everything when we decide to move right then and there is because it is my main focus, so I would find out where I can find every last spare cent, and i would dedicate it to moving. I can't do it when looking at a bigger scale over a longer period of time. In other words, Im terrible at long term plans but great at short term ones. 

Today I came up with a plan. To get in the right mind set for saving and moving, I started packing. Nothing we need too much, and only 3 boxes, but now I'm excited. Now I'm thinking about what I need to organise, how much money I can save this week and so on and so forth. Fingers crossed it continues to keep me motivated!! I want so badly to go home.

Wish me luck.

A bit of DIY

I've had a busy weekend.  Here are a few things I got up to:

I made button magnets, aren't they cute?

I painted an old photo frame,

A shelves set for Izzy's room,

And the chairs that go with the kids kitchen. It is more noticeable that the white needs a touch up now. I guess I'll have to get onto that.

I also have a chalkboard in the shed that needs a second coat and many more ideas planned, including thinking about painting Izzy's bed that beautiful purple.. Yay!

Doesn't look like much but that's a lot of coats of paint right there. :-D

And while I've got you here, I'll share the kidlets after school routine as I got a good response last time. I need to review ours as things go a bit different now that I am busier with studies, but here it is where it stands.

I am hoping to print the next one and maybe even laminate it so they kids can use a marker to check off each task as it is completed, but that will depend on if i ever remember to buy coloured ink for the printer. Not likely.

I hope you had a wonderful weekend. 

Goodnight :-)

Which do you see?

I see a wish, Which do you see? :-)

Creator unknown.

Just a moment of weakness

I am so tired, so so tired, and I want to write but I'm not sure how. I tried talking to Logan in the early hours of the morning. He is my person, but I couldn't do it. The words wouldn't come. Getting things out today have been hard. Impossible. And this blog, this blog is my diary. That's why it is called Diary Of An Overworked Mum, because it is my diary, my only diary. And I can only hope that the words that won't flow from my mouth, will from my fingers. Because I need to let them out.

But I still wonder at times how honest to be. I don't really know if there is a point where I should just keep things to myself rather than sharing them. On Facebook I believe there is, but this is my space. My space to be me. If only I could be certain that that is okay.

 You see, I haven't had much sleep in the last week and it has really run me down.

Last night I found out that my great aunt has only a day or so to live. Tumours have been found in her brain. 10 of them in fact. Being so tired means that I just cannot sort out how I'm feeling about the situation. Obviously I am sad, thats a given. I was never too close to her, I didn't keep in contact with her as I grew up, but I do have very fond memories of her from my childhood. Fond memories of the wonderful woman that she is. 

I am cut up about the news. But I'm confused, too. I hardly slept last night, I have hardly slept for days now, but last night was so much worse, and I am unsure of the meaning behind my emotions  I am unsure if I am this upset because she is dying, because of how horrible it must have been for her this last week, or because it has hit home hard. Probably all three.

See, I have migraines all the time. I have been to the doctors time and time again, many different doctors over the last almost 7 years, and they always end up doing the same thing.. brushing it off. Acting as though I am being dramatic, as though I am making it up. They tell me to take panadol, which does nothing to help, a few have offered medication to prevent them, but that never works either and so I don't bother continuing it. They might ask a few questions, but they never seem to care, they never take it seriously.

I have been taking Ibuprofen & Codine for months now, it is the only thing I have found that provides a little help. I know it is terrible for my body, but I have to lower the pain some how, there is no one available to take over my job as mum while I'm in bed unable to move, so what choice do I have? 

It surprises even me how well I have learnt to deal with the pain. How when a big one hits I stop and stand still for a minute, breathing and telling myself "you can deal with this, you have no choice, just get over it" and then I move on with my day. Pain that puts most people in bed isn't enough to make me stop my day anymore. Because life hasn't given me a choice. I have no one to help. Not one person. Because Logan has work to go to. Because he is all I have right now, and he is just too damn busy to take over my role as mum.

But I worry, because while it might not seem like a big deal to the doctors, it is to me. It makes my life so hard, I am so limited in what I do because I am just always in pain. My kids are always being told to be quiet, always in trouble for yelling and banging things.. and that isn't fair on them. And I hate that they are limited because of my pain. 

And really, having migraines daily is not normal, it just isn't.

I guess I worry that that will be me one day. One day soon. Lying on the hospital bed, leaving my family, all because the doctors just won't listen to me. And sure, it may not be so serious for me, but how can I know that? Maybe they are brushing it off because they have already ruled the more serious things out by asking the few questions they asked. But I wouldn't know because, along with their not really caring attitude, they don't bother to tell me that I'm sort of ok. They don't bring me comfort. They just stress me more because I leave thinking "why are you treating me like a child who is being overly dramatic about a scraped knee? why don't you care??". 

Maybe it is time for me to stop putting on the brave face I work so hard at. Maybe it is time for me to go in there, a mess, bawling my eyes out, so they see what Logan see's. So they maybe decide to take me seriously for once. Isn't that their job, after all?

So you see? I am sad, heartbroken really, I am torn up at how cruel life can be. How can such a wonderful woman, with such a kind heart, can have this happen to her. When all those terrible terrible people out there get to live their lives, happy and healthy.

And I'm scared. I have been scared for years now. But this, this makes it worse. And I need someone. But no one has the time. People have their own lives to live, and I need to let go of this moment of weakness and continue on with my life. Because that's all this is, a moment of weakness. One that I will burry as I do.

Because I have no choice.

The craziness that is school mornings

So it's twenty past nine, the kids are at school the toddler is at daycare, I have my coffee from Zarraffas and Logan and I are about to get on the train, that's a win itself, but then I even managed to get Bay to wear shoes today! Well, until we got to daycare and he threw them into the sandpit somewhere.. But hey, the shoes are their problem now, so I still count that as Winning! 

Do any of you have mornings like this? Where the shoes are always missing, the tea's gone cold before you even got a sip, the socks don't match, the breakfast is all over the floor and one child, who cannot find their homework book, swears on their chocolate cupcake that a thief snuck in just to steal the homework and left everything else in it's place then locked the door on the way out?? 

You do, I know you do. I could not possible be alone in the craziness that is school mornings.

100 random facts about me

0. I love starting at 0 instead of 1.

1. I fell pregnant with my first child at the age of 16, only 2 weeks after her father and I started dating, we are still together now, almost 8 years later. 


2. My middle name is Jade.

3. I cry.. a lot.. like, about everything. They aren't always sad tears either.

4. I'm obsessed with organisation but find joy in occasionally throwing the routine out the window.

5. I love singing at the top of my lungs and wish I had the balls to sing in public (like at karaoke nights or something).

6. I have heart 'stuff' and am not supposed to drink alcohol or coffee or energy drinks, but I still drink coffee a few times a week cos it's that good from Zarraffes.

7. I'm a stress head, it's getting worse as I age.

8. I'm obsessed with crazy patterned pants.

9. Storms scare the crap out of me.

10. I love reading.

11. I banned "I can't" from our family's vocabulary's.

12. I have a habit of talking people into paying boardgames with me and then getting bored and wanting to quit 10 minutes into the game.

13. I have a favourite child - It changes constantly.

14. New people are always so sure that they have met me before, or I look like their friend/cousin/boyfriends brothers girlfriend.

15. When I was told I couldn't drink coffee anymore I replaced it with tea, I guess I get addicted to things easily.

16. I can't stand noisy eaters, it makes me SO angry, especially when they eat with their mouths open.

17. I'm allergic to morphine.

18. I have 4 half sisters, 1 half brother and 1 step brother who technically isn't my brother anymore, I only speak to 2 of my sisters and the one bro thats not technically my bro.

19. I have scoliosis.

20. I always want the latest gadget but hate technology with a passion.

21. I love technology as much as I hate it.

22. I am old school when it comes to reading, looking at my book collection cluttering the shelves makes me happy.

23. I'm not interested in watching sports on T.V at all.

24. Logan turned me into a bit of a nerd. I'd never even played XBOX before I met him and now I know how to play warhammer 40k.

25. I love taking photos.

26. I am short. It used to bother me, especially when I was picked on for it throughout primary and high school, now when people mention it I just wonder why the hell they care.

27. I look forward to my children becoming teenagers.

28. I talk in my sleep and my dreams tend to take on the theme of whatever I've watched a lot of recently.

29. I wear glasses and hate them with a passion. They hurt my head and nose. and constantly have smudges.

30. I still hope that I will get married one day, even though Logan always says he doesn't want to. I have my dress and flowers planned.

31. I hate cleaning without music on.

32. I get migraines a lot, like, almost constantly, so I'm pretty out of it from my pain killers 99% of the time. 

33. I want to move back to cold, wet Victoria because I miss my friends and family.

34. I want a really big, white, fluffy dog. 

35. I'm terrible at saving money - something is always begging to be paid.

36. I want to be a hairdresser, a photographer and an event planner.

37. I've had 2 operations on my spine.

38. I love leopard print.

39. I want to dye my hair hot pink as soon as I become a hairdresser.

40. Cooking makes me feel amazing. It is my therapy.

41. I didn't like chocolate before I met Logan. He was a chocoholic and gave me no choice but to eat it.. I still don't eat it often and when I do I only eat a few bites.

42. I'm seriously scared or magpies and huntsman's. I literally cry when huntsman's make their way into my house. Once Logan had to tell his boss there was an emergency and come home early from work to kill a huntsman for me. Another time I sat on the floor in my son's room and cried until Logan came home 4 hours later and turned the lounge room upside down to find and kill the spider for me.

43. I hate, more than anything, that Logan works night shift.

44. I have always wanted long hair and am in the process of growing it, but it annoys me so I wear it in a bun at the top of my head 99% of the time.

45. I wish I could tie my kids down while they sleep, when they move in the night the noises scare me

46. I wish I had the patients to have one more child.

47. I want to run my own business.

48. I have a foot phobia

49. I have low self esteem but fake high self esteem well.

50. I sleep with my balcony door open because I feel claustrophobic with it shut.

51. I like to go fishing as long as I don't have to touch the fish.

52. I love reading aloud.

53. I honestly don't believe anyone will read this far into my list.

54. I wanted to be a midwife until Logan and our kids told me they don't want me in a job where I would be gone more than not. I was shattered to give up on that dream, but my family come first.

55. I can't drive (or be in a car) with the windows up, it nearly makes me cry.

56. I've never had chicken pox.

57. I always forget about the scar down my back.

58. It makes me angry when random people casually ask me what my scar is from or my tattoo means, like it's their business.

59. My tattoo is exactly the same as my besties tattoo.

60. I took guitar lessons in primary school and played indoor soccer in high school.

61. I wanted a motorbike licence until I had kids, now I feel like I have too much to lose.

62. I hate planes and really don't want to get back on one to go back to VIC.

63. I have never had a speeding ticket or a parking ticket or been pulled over.

64. During my childhood we only moved house once that I remember, since moving out of home 8 years ago I have moved houses 13 times.

65. The first car I bought was a VS

66. I drank pretty much nothing but coke for 7 years, my teeth are suffering from it now.

67. I wish my bed was big enough that I could let my youngest still co-sleep.

68. I scored 95% on my written driving test and 100% on my practical.

69. The only reason it annoys me when males leave the toilet seat up is because I forget to check and fall in.

70. I laughed while typing #69.

71. I love blonde jokes even though I am naturally blonde.

72. I wanted singing lessons when I was a kid and my mum and friends mum said they would organise it but never did. I still wish they did.

73. I never tasted a 'peanut butter and jelly sandwich' until I moved in with Logan, I think it's weird.

74. It does my head in when people don't use grammar.

75. I like to make people laugh.

76. It annoys me when people put the toilet paper on the wrong way (yes, there is a wrong way).

77. I want a lancer.

78. My best friend of 10 years died when I was 14.

79. It annoys me when males wear pants without socks and shoes. Freaks me out really.

80. I'm not usually sexist. I think it's just because men have big feet and I hate feet. See #48.

81. I hate being alone but being in crowded busy places - like shopping centres - stresses me out.

82. When I cry, Logan cuddles me better (and, most of the time, laughs at me), the fact that he comforts me, even if I've cried four times that day already, makes me love him even more.

83. I take, on average, 9,000 steps on weekdays and 3,000 steps on weekends.

84. I believe that having money does, in fact, make people happy. And if it doesn't, then they should try being broke for a while.

85. I don't believe in karma.

86. I hate toilet training.

87. I love walking at night, but not alone.

88. I have completed a Business Diploma and Management Diploma and then got bored again and started on a Website Development Diploma since moving to Queensland 2 1/2 years ago.

89. I dont understand why, when offering money for something, people write the figure rather than say it aloud.

90. I take my youngest on a coffee date every Wednesday.

91. I have a teddy bear named Otis. I cuddle him to sleep.

92. I always get hungry just as I'm about to lay down to sleep.

93. My fave alcoholic drink is a Moist Pussy but I can't find them at any club here in Brisbane. :-(

94. I like Apple more than Windows.

95. I don't like gardening because the garden spiders creep me out and the sun makes my head hurt more.

96. I always wanted a 2 story house but now that I have one I wish I didn't.

97. I taught myself to sew by hand.

98. I swear way too much.

99. When I was 15 I went to the zoo in Adelaide with my family and a friend, a monkey stole my bracelet and then refused to give it back. The sneaky shit.