Im moving!

One of the coolest things about my current course (Diploma of Website Development) is that what I'm learning is so practical in my life. I use it every day, and I find it so interesting! 

I have decided to use my new (and still developing) skills to improve my site, and for this reason I am moving to a new platform. You will now me able to find me at A Diary of a Mum (it's a link, click it!).

I am so excited about this move! I really do hope that you guys enjoy my new site. 

As I am still in the process of moving, you will find that some posts I post there may be duplicates of a few here that are important to me, or maybe a version of something you have read here. Please be patient with me as I make this move. I will try to do it as quickly and smoothly as possible but as we all know, life can get in the way sometimes.

If you want to get in contact with me for any reason, head over to my new site. You will find a contact form that just requires your name, email and comment. Your own site is optional but please, if you do have one, put it in there so i can check it out!

I hope to see you guys move with me as I really do enjoy having you all around!

xx

Lazy: My new busy

Opening this "write new post" window is feeling so weird, so weird and yet strangely right too. Weird because it has been so long since my last post, but right because that's just how it has always felt. Like home. Like when you have been off on holidays and then you come home and it feels weird but strangely comforting to be there. "Weird and Home". or "Weird Home". In fact what home isn't a little weird? So I guess maybe just "home". Yeah, opening this window feel like home. 

Anyway, it's good to be home!

I can't use the "I've been busy - oh so busy" excuse for not dropping in for a while because let's face it.. I've not been busy at all! Between the migraines that give me, well, 0 motivation to do anything, and my MacBook having not yet arrived (meaning I can't study) and Bay being at daycare (because if I take him out for this small amount of time that I'm not studying I may lose his spot), I've done pretty much nothing! A little cleaning here and there, but mostly just laying around soaking up the empty hours and filling them with Lazy. 

I'm not used to being lazy, it is not because I am not a lazy person, but simply because I get so bored so easily. I usually do my best to fill my hours with things that matter; cleaning, studying, shopping, organising, helping people when I can, and when I can't be on my feet I like to do crafty things, this is where my Quiet Books and Felt Masks and All The Rest came from. Because I can't even watch T.V without doing something else at the same time. But I have just not wanted to leave bed these last two weeks. I'm beginning to really enjoy bed. I sent this email to my tutor this morning:

Hey _____,

Any news on my Mac?
Don't get me wrong, lazing around has its perks, but I'm worried I may get used to it.

Sami :-)

And it's true! I'm really starting to wonder how I am to go back to college daily and miss out on all this lovely resting time?! My migraines have certainly gone a bit easier on me while I have been lazing around - that is, until my lovely loud children come home after school anyway. 

But it seems lazy time is close to coming to an end. My lovely tutor replied that my Mac is currently at HQ. Hopefully this means I will be playing with the sexy new device by next week! :-D This is cause for celebration!!

It is Izzy's 7th birthday on May 28, just 9 days to go. She is having a sleepover on Friday the 30th. She has chosen to have just 2 friends over which has worked out wonderfully as Logan and I have come up with a lovely way to spend  the afternoon with the girls. I can't wait to share our plans with you all!! I am still trying to decide whether to share it as I move through the planning stages or to wait until it has all happened. I have always been terrible at waiting. So impatient I am. I bought Izzy's main birthday present the other day and it is killing me to hand it over already!

Anyway, it was lovely to be back and to share with you all a brief update, but I have more planning to do (from bed of course) before it is time to pick up the children from school.

Chat soon (I'll try not to leave it so long this time),

Sami :-) x

All the Things to go to the Salvo's..

So here's the thing. You know how the Salvos Stores accept our stuff? The stuff that we don't want anymore? Well today I came accross this on their website:

"Please note that in some instances, because of government regulations, we may be unable to accept white goods/electrical items and mattresses."

Well I'm excited! I have a whole list of things I want to get rid of. Being that it doesn't include White Goods, Electrical Items and Mattresses, it seems that they must accept them. Yay for me! Want to see my list? Of course you do! Well here it is;

1. Migraines

2. T.V Adverts

3. Bedtime Tantrums

4. Dinner time Tantrums

5. Supermarket Tantrums

6. All Other Tantrums

7. Blisters

8. Wee on the Toilet Seat

9. Bad Drivers

10. Crappy Daytime Telly Shows

11. Bills

12. Cold Coffee

13. Empty Gas Bottles

14. Dirty Washing

15. Bullies

16. Rapists

17. Pedo's

18. Pimples

19. Cramps

20. Terrible Three's

21. War

22. Displaced Guilt

23. Vacuuming

24. Huntsman's

25. Bad Smells

26. Hiding Places of Lost Bobby-Pins and Socks

27. Hair in Unwanted Places

28. Sweat

29. Fat

30. Toilet Training

31. Waking Up before 8am

32. The inability to build a Fully Functioning Time Machine

I could continue, but I suppose that I, at some point, need to take responsibility for the crappy things in life. Boo to that you guys, boo to that!

You know what? I'm going to add one more thing to the list:

33. Chocolate Chip Cookies

Because I should show some appreciation to the poor people at the Salvo's who will have to accept and deal with my crappy list of things. Sorry Salvo's Volunteers.. But maybe next time you will remember to add Crappy Things to your list of things you won't accept.

Just doing my bit to help :-)

Just an update

I finally had my appointment today to find out the results of my MRI. It turns out that I have an absent diaphragma sellae. As far as I can understand it, this is a lid over part of the brain that is supposed to be empty, but because I am missing the lid, it if full of whatever fluid is in the brain. 

Yeah, I don't know much about it and I think I will be happy to keep it that way. I have a few friends, not naming names but you know who you are - that google health related things all the time and they always end up totally freaking themselves out so I know to stay away from google.

Anyway, the doctor told me that she doesn't know the significance of this, or where we go from here so she is sending me to a neurologist. Apparently this may be a big wait, like a few months. Great.

In other news, I stopped by a health shop today and spoke to a woman there about Zay. I told her what Im trying to do and how I'm having such a hard time doing it. I ended up buying some calm strawberry flavoured tablets and fish oil. Following that I went to the supermarket and ended up decided that for now I'm just going to try to cut out all preservatives and a lot of the sugar. Cutting all sugar doesn't seem like a possibility.

Oh and also.. I get my MacBook Pro soon! It has been ordered :-D I'm THAT excited! Until it arrives I'm sort of on a study break. Other than a few knowledge questions, there is nothing else I can do because I need my new Mac to start on the database units.

I really don't think I've got anything else at the moment. I started this blog as a way to get everything out, and I had a LOT to get out at the time, but as time has gone on, my migraines have gotten worse and just taken over. Everything else has taken a back peddle for me. 

I haven't worked on my quiet books since last year, I hardly am able to cook from scratch anymore and between my migraines, study, housework and the kids being off at school, daycare and friends houses, kids activities have become a bit of the past too. It actually really sucks. I want to go back to getting excited over coloured rice and felt food and stuff like that. Can I just quit everything else maybe?

Sometimes the kids growing up is an awesome thing. Sometimes it just sucks.

ADHD?

For a long time, as long as I can remember really, we've had a lot of trouble with Zay's behaviour. We have thought, since he was 2, that he may have ADHD. I never took him to the doctors though because I figured that it could just be a bad case of the terrible 2's. 

A few days ago Zay turned 5. I took him to the doctor finally and he gave us a referral to see a paediatrician. For the last 3 years I've really been back and fourth about the idea. I guess I just wanted to believe that he was acting up, but as he gets older it just seems more and more like ADHD is the only possibility. 

He is loud and hyperactive, he can't sit for long or stand in one place for long. If we are in line at the store he kinda hops around like he needs to pee. When watching a movie he moves seats every few minutes, gets up and jumps around the room while trying so hard to keep watching but usually failing. He has a hard time concentrating, he gets bored of things so quickly, even school work despite his love of learning. He gets angry quickly and just loses control completely. I can see it, I can see him fighting to regain control, I can see how hard it is for him. His emotions are magnified significantly compared with Izzy and Bay and other children I know. He hates being alone, he seems to need almost constant attention. He cannot entertain himself often and when he does play alone, it is usually an activity that I have encouraged him to do and will last just a few minutes.

On Friday at lunch time I got a call from the Vice Principle at Zay's school asking me to go collect him. When I got there I was met by both Principle and Vice Principle who directed me into a room with Zay. I sat down and the Vice Principle started reading off a list. 

"He kicked a child, unprovoked, He threw the puzzles and games all over the floor, He called Mrs C (his teacher) a Bloody Arsehole, He kicked the teacher aide..."

By this point I was in shock and had just stopped listening. As she started reading from the list, Zay crawled under my chair and lay on the floor, by the time she was done, he was crying so hard I was worried he was going to make himself sick. After they chatted to me for a bit longer and had agreed to collect some work sheets for him to work on while I studied myself, I took him outside for a cuddle to try to calm him down. 

I have to say, the meeting went a lot different to the way I expected. I thought I would be leaving the school feeling quite upset with Zay for his behaviour. Instead, I left trying hard to hold back tears. Not because I was angry or disappointed or anything like that, but because I felt terrible for my little man. It breaks my heart to know that he loses control the way he does. It breaks my heart to not be able to help him.

I have spoken to Logan since then and we are both convinced that his teacher and the teacher aide handled the situation wrong. We have no information what-so-ever on how they handled it, but we know already, because Zay would never lose it that badly here, because we know how to handle him when he has a melt down. Because we know never to try to force him to calm down, never to grab him or raise our voices after he has lost control. 

For this reason we have decided to see if we can make a time to speak with his teacher on Logan's RDO on Tuesday, to try to find out how they handled the situation the other day and try to make sure they never do it the way they did again. 

Also for this reason, I am scared at the idea of him going back to school tomorrow. I am scared because I don't want to put him back in that position again, with people who clearly don't yet understand him properly. I feel that once he has lost control he needs the adults around him to understand him and to help him to calm down. I feel like if he has lost control of his emotions and actions and he has adults grabbing at him and trying to lead him off to a corner or office or whatever when he is not ready then that may be scary for him, and I don't want to be responsible for allowing him to be in that situation again.

We have also decided to attempt the hard task of cutting sugar from Zay's diet. Today I started the process. I made Rolled Oats with sultanas for breakfast, scrambled eggs with mixed veg and herbs for lunch and a mandarin and rye corn cakes with natural peanut butter for snacks. Tonight I will make Spaghetti with a home-made sauce for dinner and in replace of garlic bread I will give him a slice of whole grain bread. After a trip to the supermarket today and some time spent in the health food isle inspecting food packaging, I have seen just how big a task this is going to be. 

I had a chat to him about the new diet today and he is excited about the possibility of it making life easier for him. After extensive research I have decided I am also going to look into fish oil too.

Fingers crossed it all works wonders for my little man.

Dear 5 year old Zay

Dear Zay,
Today is your 5th birthday. I can't believe that you were born a whole 5 years ago. Woah.

I still remember the night that you decided you were coming. I remember it clear as day. You were two weeks early and I thought that I was just getting brackston hicks, so I didn't even think twice about actually being in labour. Surprise! I'm not going to bore you with my long labour story, but I realised at 11 at night that you were actually going to come within the next 24 hours and sure enough, you made me suffer until the next morning when you finally made it into the world. And I had to do it without drugs too. You meanie.

Now, I'm not going to tell you that you were cute, because even though you had the whole "I'm a newborn baby" thing going for you, you looked like an old man. Everyone disagreed but thats only because you have to tell a mum that her baby is cute. You looked like an old man, period.

But I tell you what mate, you were worth the pain, and the old man face didn't last long. Pretty soon you were too cute for my own good. Seriously, you had me wrapped around your little finger. 

That first night, you refused to sleep without holding me. You just wanted a finger to hold on to but that was so damn uncomfortable so, against the midwives wishes, I put you in bed with me, pulled up the rails to make sure you couldn't fall out, and we slept like that all night. It seems that there was no need for me to be worrying about you falling out though, because I woke up in the exact same position, holding you, as I had gone to sleep in 6 hours earlier! Didn't move an inch. See? I was protective of you from that very first night, and when we woke up, I was already wrapped around your little finger. So much so that you slept in our bed for almost a year!

We've had a busy, loud, stressful five years since!

You are such a beautiful little boy Zay, so loveable, so emotional. You are the kinda boy that everyone falls in love with! Your laugh is just so damn cute and oh my gosh the way you get excited about things! You jump up and down with so much energy, your big happy grin is ridiculously contagious. Gorgeous!

Your incredible emotions bring you so much trouble too little man! I tell you what! When you are happy, you are happy! Everyone knows it, you make sure they do. And when you are angry, oh boy, same rules apply! 

When you get angry you throw the most insane tantrums! Even now at 5 years old you know how to kick and scream. If someone, especially your brother or sister, pisses you off, they sure do hear about it! At least we know you will never let anyone walk all over you. And good for you buddy!

This year you started prep. At first you were so so excited about that, now you complain to me that it is boring. Despite your complaints, I know you enjoy it. Today I dropped a chocolate cake - your request - off to your classroom for you to share with your friends. You were so happy about having shared it. You have always been an amazing sharer. 

When Dad and I picked you up from school, one of your hands was blue. You told me that it is from painting. You are always covered in paint. And sand. And dirt. And texta. And food. You bring home beautiful pieces of artwork that you are so so proud of. And you can write now too! Something that you enjoy so much.

You and your brother have recently discovered Super Hero's. You guy's are simply obsessed! Last year you were into Disney Cars and Toy Story, but this new obsession has just taken over everything. Batman and Spider-man seem to be the favourites, with Iron Man and Superman not too far behind. I've gotta admit, I'm loving it. Seeing you two running around pretending to be super heroes, you both just seem so grown up! On Bailey's birthday I bought a Batman LEGO movie on iTunes. You guys have watched it at least once, sometimes three or four time a day since!

Before I end this letter, I'm going to interview you quickly to find out a few faves, for future reference and all:

Mum: "Hey Zay, Wanna answer some questions for me? So that I can write them down for us to read when you're bigger?"
Zay: "Yep!"
Mum: "Cool, thanks buddy."
Zay: "You're welcome"
Mum: "So, What's your favourite colour?"
Zay: "Um.. Blue"
Mum: "What about food?"
Zay: "Cake!"
Mum: "What food don't you like?"
Zay: "Um.. Um.. Tomatoes"
Mum: "Who is your favourite Super Hero?"
Zay: "Batman.. & Superman.. & Robin.. & Spiderman!"
Mum: "Why?"
Zay: "Because Spider-man makes webs & the other ones fly"
Mum: "Awesome, pick a number, any number"
Zay: "Um.. 13"
Mum: "What do you what to be when you grow up?"
Zay: "Um.. 13"
Mum: "Hahaha, If you could play a sport, what sport would you want to play?"
Zay: "Soccer & Tennis"
Mum: "How much do you love me?"
Zay: "Um.. 38 & 1 Million"
Mum: "I love you that much too! Thanks for the interview Mate"
Zay: "You're Welcome"

You have come a long way in your five years mate, and I am so proud of you. You stress me and dad out so much and if dad or I have gone grey by the age of 30, it will be your fault, but you are so worth it. I wouldn't have it any other way! And hey.. you had to have gotten it from somewhere hey! *Cough* Dad *Cough* ;-)

Happy Birthday Honey, I love you more than I ever knew possible and look forward to sharing many many more chocolate cakes with you!!

Love always and forever, 
Your Mumma xox

My wish for you.. Independence

I was only 16 when Logan and I first started dating, when I fell pregnant with Izzy and when we bought our first house. Yeah, we did it all young and quickly.

It was kinda awesome, doing it all so young. It was fun. I was a kid still, Logan only 18, so in a way I guess we grew up together. We grew from teens that slept half the day away on the weekends, ate footy pies from the petrol station for breakfast, drank each weekend, did whatever we wanted whenever we wanted, to this, now, at 23 and 25. Mature, grown up. Working and studying hard, looking after three kids, drinking once every few months - and in much much smaller amounts so that we can still get up to the children the next morning, cleaning house and eating cereal for breakfast.

BIG change! And we did that together. And it was awesome.

But as awesome as it is to have that, I hope that Izzy doesn't.

Like I said, I was a kid when we started dating. I went from being a high school student living with her parents to Logan's mrs living with him in just a few months really. I feel like I have always had him. In July, we will celebrate our 8 year anniversary. Thats pretty crazy considering our ages, so it's always been him. 

He is who I tell my secrets too, he is who I turn to for comfort. He is who looks after me. He is who I miss after just a few hours apart. He is my best friend. He is a part of me. A big part. The most important part. 

I mean hey, when we have an argument - and we don't often at all - but when we do, when he pisses me off so much that I just wanna cry (I cry about everything ok? don't judge) and tell him to piss off, guess who I want to cuddle e better? Yeah, Logan. Sounds silly huh?

So can you see yet, why I don't want my daughter to follow in my footsteps? Why I don't want her to find her great love, her other half, while she is a teenager? 

No?

Three months before the kids and I moved to Queensland, Logan did. That was heart breaking for me. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. Being apart from him that is. The way I describe him, as a part of me, those aren't just words, I don't say them lightly. I mean it, I mean it more than I can even explain. And so, having him gone? It was like part of me was gone. We talked every day, but it wasn't enough. I was so lost, I didn't know how to do every day things. For at least a month I didn't even watch tv. A few times I had to leave the kids with my bestie and housemate, and get in the car and go out, and just drive and drive and drive. I didn't think, I just drove. I tried to replace him with my friends, hanging out heaps kept me busy, but it didn't help me when I was alone at night. I felt like I couldn't make it through that time alone. I felt like.. I don't even know how to explain it. But it sucked.

My point is that I had never had any independence, I had never had to do anything myself, I never learnt that I could do anything myself. I always had him there to turn to when I needed, and suddenly I was so alone. Even my best friends couldn't provide me with the comfort I needed.

And that is why I want my daughter to experience independence. I want her to move out and live alone for a while. Not because I want her to be lonely, but because I want her to learn that she can do it. I want her to know that she doesn't need a man, that she is strong and independent and whole. I want her to know that if she goes through a break up or is apart from her partner from a long period of time, she will get through it just fine. I want her to enjoy spending time with herself.

I understand that any time apart/break up is hard after being together for a while. But I believe that it will be easier on her if she has already experienced independence. If she already knows that being alone isn't the end of the world.

By all means, I hope for her to have an amazing relationship like I do. I want her to have a wonderful man to lean on, someone that will understand her and care for her and be her whole world. But I want her to experience independence first.