My wish for you.. Independence

I was only 16 when Logan and I first started dating, when I fell pregnant with Izzy and when we bought our first house. Yeah, we did it all young and quickly.

It was kinda awesome, doing it all so young. It was fun. I was a kid still, Logan only 18, so in a way I guess we grew up together. We grew from teens that slept half the day away on the weekends, ate footy pies from the petrol station for breakfast, drank each weekend, did whatever we wanted whenever we wanted, to this, now, at 23 and 25. Mature, grown up. Working and studying hard, looking after three kids, drinking once every few months - and in much much smaller amounts so that we can still get up to the children the next morning, cleaning house and eating cereal for breakfast.

BIG change! And we did that together. And it was awesome.

But as awesome as it is to have that, I hope that Izzy doesn't.

Like I said, I was a kid when we started dating. I went from being a high school student living with her parents to Logan's mrs living with him in just a few months really. I feel like I have always had him. In July, we will celebrate our 8 year anniversary. Thats pretty crazy considering our ages, so it's always been him. 

He is who I tell my secrets too, he is who I turn to for comfort. He is who looks after me. He is who I miss after just a few hours apart. He is my best friend. He is a part of me. A big part. The most important part. 

I mean hey, when we have an argument - and we don't often at all - but when we do, when he pisses me off so much that I just wanna cry (I cry about everything ok? don't judge) and tell him to piss off, guess who I want to cuddle e better? Yeah, Logan. Sounds silly huh?

So can you see yet, why I don't want my daughter to follow in my footsteps? Why I don't want her to find her great love, her other half, while she is a teenager? 

No?

Three months before the kids and I moved to Queensland, Logan did. That was heart breaking for me. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. Being apart from him that is. The way I describe him, as a part of me, those aren't just words, I don't say them lightly. I mean it, I mean it more than I can even explain. And so, having him gone? It was like part of me was gone. We talked every day, but it wasn't enough. I was so lost, I didn't know how to do every day things. For at least a month I didn't even watch tv. A few times I had to leave the kids with my bestie and housemate, and get in the car and go out, and just drive and drive and drive. I didn't think, I just drove. I tried to replace him with my friends, hanging out heaps kept me busy, but it didn't help me when I was alone at night. I felt like I couldn't make it through that time alone. I felt like.. I don't even know how to explain it. But it sucked.

My point is that I had never had any independence, I had never had to do anything myself, I never learnt that I could do anything myself. I always had him there to turn to when I needed, and suddenly I was so alone. Even my best friends couldn't provide me with the comfort I needed.

And that is why I want my daughter to experience independence. I want her to move out and live alone for a while. Not because I want her to be lonely, but because I want her to learn that she can do it. I want her to know that she doesn't need a man, that she is strong and independent and whole. I want her to know that if she goes through a break up or is apart from her partner from a long period of time, she will get through it just fine. I want her to enjoy spending time with herself.

I understand that any time apart/break up is hard after being together for a while. But I believe that it will be easier on her if she has already experienced independence. If she already knows that being alone isn't the end of the world.

By all means, I hope for her to have an amazing relationship like I do. I want her to have a wonderful man to lean on, someone that will understand her and care for her and be her whole world. But I want her to experience independence first.

On Private Parts and why I took it so far

The kids and I have had so many serious conversations lately. We tend to have these conversations little bits at a time. I don't want to overwhelm them with information and make them feel like I'm lecturing them so they get bored and stop listening, but I feel that what we are talking about is so incredibly important.

One such conversation is that of private parts. Of course there is the part of this conversation that everyone has with their children at some point. About how panties/jocks stay on and no one is to see or touch that part of their body. About how underwear is incredibly important under skirts and dresses and sticking penisis out at other people is very rude (yes, we have had to have that conversation in this house, because it seems that even 2 year olds and 4 year olds find wiggling it at people hilarious).

I've been meaning to have these conversations for a while now, but we never got far with them. Just the usual conversation was had. But the other day, after a big play outside with some other children from our complex, I heard my children whispering from behind the couch. I asked them what they were whispering about and they responded with "I don't want to tell you because it's rude"s. 

Yep. We know that's exactly when mum does need to hear about it. 

So I probed a little deeper until, after much promising on my behalf they they will not be in trouble, they eventually decided to give it up. Apparently one of the little girls they had been playing with (a five year old!!), had said something about oral sex. Or I should say, suggested it. Of course she didn't know what to call it. And yes, I'm rather worried about where this young child heard this from. 

Now obviously the usual conversation covers this, but I felt like this was an opening to take it further, so I did.

We started it at mouths. Mouths are private parts too. This is a hard one to explain to young children, because despite what they heard from the little girl, going so far as to actually be specific is too far for me at this stage, so we kept this one strait forward. Non-edible items do not go in your mouth. No one else can put things in your mouth. Kisses are special for family members only.

And then we moved onto hands. Hands are private parts too. Well they are now, anyway. I haven't perfected the way I go about this one yet. I haven't found a way to say this one that leaves me feeling like I've used the right words. But for now I'm going with private. They are private because they are yours, and because no one can make you do things with your hands that you feel uncomfortable doing. Or that you think may be wrong or rude. If someone wants you to do something with your hands that break any of the above rules then your breaking this one too. Pretty much.

And this is where we took this converstation to the point that some may see as too far. But I will explain why I don't see it that way soon.

Hugs are now limited too. Hugs are saved for family members and 'bestest friends'. There is to be no hugging random people, no hugging friends parents, no hugging teachers and so on and so fourth. 

And "I love you"s. Same rules apply as above.

And one last one. If you don't feel comfortable - don't do it. I will not be that parent that forces the child to sit on uncles lap or give the friend of the family a kiss goodbye. Other than basic politeness, my children to not have to interact with anyone if they do not feel comfortable in doing so. 

Now for my reasoning:

I will do anything it takes to keep my children from being vulnerable. I will do everything within my power to teach them to be strong, to be cautious, to be confident. I will do everything I can, to ensure that my children are not sucked in to a false sence of love from predictors.

I feel that by not setting these standards for my kids, I'm allowing them to be vulnerable. These are standards and values that my children will carry with them throughout their lives. And this is so incredibly important to me. We cannot ever be 100% sure that we are keeping our children safe from pediphiles or rapists. It is well known by all that these bad things happen anywhere. Everywhere. And that includes in their schools and even their homes. Our children need to have the knowledge and confidence within themselves to know what is right and wrong. To be able to keep themselves - as much as is ever possible - from being caught up in a situation where they are the victim. 

It is my job as their mother to do everything within my power and beyond it, to prevent said incidents and situations. 

And for this reason, not that they yet know that this is the reason, I have and will continue to encourage my children not to keep secrets from me or their father. I know that that's not something that I can prevent as all kids keep secrets, but I'll do my best to be there and to have them feel like I will listen to anything they have to say without judgement. 

That's all I can do.