Lazy: My new busy

Opening this "write new post" window is feeling so weird, so weird and yet strangely right too. Weird because it has been so long since my last post, but right because that's just how it has always felt. Like home. Like when you have been off on holidays and then you come home and it feels weird but strangely comforting to be there. "Weird and Home". or "Weird Home". In fact what home isn't a little weird? So I guess maybe just "home". Yeah, opening this window feel like home. 

Anyway, it's good to be home!

I can't use the "I've been busy - oh so busy" excuse for not dropping in for a while because let's face it.. I've not been busy at all! Between the migraines that give me, well, 0 motivation to do anything, and my MacBook having not yet arrived (meaning I can't study) and Bay being at daycare (because if I take him out for this small amount of time that I'm not studying I may lose his spot), I've done pretty much nothing! A little cleaning here and there, but mostly just laying around soaking up the empty hours and filling them with Lazy. 

I'm not used to being lazy, it is not because I am not a lazy person, but simply because I get so bored so easily. I usually do my best to fill my hours with things that matter; cleaning, studying, shopping, organising, helping people when I can, and when I can't be on my feet I like to do crafty things, this is where my Quiet Books and Felt Masks and All The Rest came from. Because I can't even watch T.V without doing something else at the same time. But I have just not wanted to leave bed these last two weeks. I'm beginning to really enjoy bed. I sent this email to my tutor this morning:

Hey _____,

Any news on my Mac?
Don't get me wrong, lazing around has its perks, but I'm worried I may get used to it.

Sami :-)

And it's true! I'm really starting to wonder how I am to go back to college daily and miss out on all this lovely resting time?! My migraines have certainly gone a bit easier on me while I have been lazing around - that is, until my lovely loud children come home after school anyway. 

But it seems lazy time is close to coming to an end. My lovely tutor replied that my Mac is currently at HQ. Hopefully this means I will be playing with the sexy new device by next week! :-D This is cause for celebration!!

It is Izzy's 7th birthday on May 28, just 9 days to go. She is having a sleepover on Friday the 30th. She has chosen to have just 2 friends over which has worked out wonderfully as Logan and I have come up with a lovely way to spend  the afternoon with the girls. I can't wait to share our plans with you all!! I am still trying to decide whether to share it as I move through the planning stages or to wait until it has all happened. I have always been terrible at waiting. So impatient I am. I bought Izzy's main birthday present the other day and it is killing me to hand it over already!

Anyway, it was lovely to be back and to share with you all a brief update, but I have more planning to do (from bed of course) before it is time to pick up the children from school.

Chat soon (I'll try not to leave it so long this time),

Sami :-) x

All the Things to go to the Salvo's..

So here's the thing. You know how the Salvos Stores accept our stuff? The stuff that we don't want anymore? Well today I came accross this on their website:

"Please note that in some instances, because of government regulations, we may be unable to accept white goods/electrical items and mattresses."

Well I'm excited! I have a whole list of things I want to get rid of. Being that it doesn't include White Goods, Electrical Items and Mattresses, it seems that they must accept them. Yay for me! Want to see my list? Of course you do! Well here it is;

1. Migraines

2. T.V Adverts

3. Bedtime Tantrums

4. Dinner time Tantrums

5. Supermarket Tantrums

6. All Other Tantrums

7. Blisters

8. Wee on the Toilet Seat

9. Bad Drivers

10. Crappy Daytime Telly Shows

11. Bills

12. Cold Coffee

13. Empty Gas Bottles

14. Dirty Washing

15. Bullies

16. Rapists

17. Pedo's

18. Pimples

19. Cramps

20. Terrible Three's

21. War

22. Displaced Guilt

23. Vacuuming

24. Huntsman's

25. Bad Smells

26. Hiding Places of Lost Bobby-Pins and Socks

27. Hair in Unwanted Places

28. Sweat

29. Fat

30. Toilet Training

31. Waking Up before 8am

32. The inability to build a Fully Functioning Time Machine

I could continue, but I suppose that I, at some point, need to take responsibility for the crappy things in life. Boo to that you guys, boo to that!

You know what? I'm going to add one more thing to the list:

33. Chocolate Chip Cookies

Because I should show some appreciation to the poor people at the Salvo's who will have to accept and deal with my crappy list of things. Sorry Salvo's Volunteers.. But maybe next time you will remember to add Crappy Things to your list of things you won't accept.

Just doing my bit to help :-)

Just an update

I finally had my appointment today to find out the results of my MRI. It turns out that I have an absent diaphragma sellae. As far as I can understand it, this is a lid over part of the brain that is supposed to be empty, but because I am missing the lid, it if full of whatever fluid is in the brain. 

Yeah, I don't know much about it and I think I will be happy to keep it that way. I have a few friends, not naming names but you know who you are - that google health related things all the time and they always end up totally freaking themselves out so I know to stay away from google.

Anyway, the doctor told me that she doesn't know the significance of this, or where we go from here so she is sending me to a neurologist. Apparently this may be a big wait, like a few months. Great.

In other news, I stopped by a health shop today and spoke to a woman there about Zay. I told her what Im trying to do and how I'm having such a hard time doing it. I ended up buying some calm strawberry flavoured tablets and fish oil. Following that I went to the supermarket and ended up decided that for now I'm just going to try to cut out all preservatives and a lot of the sugar. Cutting all sugar doesn't seem like a possibility.

Oh and also.. I get my MacBook Pro soon! It has been ordered :-D I'm THAT excited! Until it arrives I'm sort of on a study break. Other than a few knowledge questions, there is nothing else I can do because I need my new Mac to start on the database units.

I really don't think I've got anything else at the moment. I started this blog as a way to get everything out, and I had a LOT to get out at the time, but as time has gone on, my migraines have gotten worse and just taken over. Everything else has taken a back peddle for me. 

I haven't worked on my quiet books since last year, I hardly am able to cook from scratch anymore and between my migraines, study, housework and the kids being off at school, daycare and friends houses, kids activities have become a bit of the past too. It actually really sucks. I want to go back to getting excited over coloured rice and felt food and stuff like that. Can I just quit everything else maybe?

Sometimes the kids growing up is an awesome thing. Sometimes it just sucks.

My freakin awesome day!

Hey! Guess what! 

I've made it almost a whole day without a migraine! I've had a small headache all day but all it has been is an annoyance really, compared to normal. It's 5pm now and I can only just feel it starting to get bad now. That is pretty freakin awesome!! :-D :-D 

If you have no idea why having a small headache all day and getting a migraine at 5pm is awesome, then go take a look at this post and this post and this post. It wont take you long to understand.

Seriously, what an awesome day!! I really had forgotten what it is like to spend a day not cringing from every sound and every bit of light. YAY!

I spent about an hour or so this morning working on a website for one of my current assessments, then while Logan took a nap on the sofa I, wait for it.. blasted the music (crazy right?!) and had a major clean up, pausing every now and then to dance my butt off (unfortunately not literally) with the kiddo's (in case you picked up on the whole Logan napping and me blasting the music and vacuuming thing, I thought I should add in here that I am, in fact, not a inconsiderate person as Logan is such a heavy sleeper that he didn't flinch once, in fact, he even sleeps through the smoke alarm - yeah, that's a worry), had lunch with the family and then we did some crafts together. 

You can check out these cuties in close-ups here.

This is such an amazing change from every other day. Especially yesterday. Wednesday I went back to the eye specialist and had them tested again. The specialist has decided to change the lenses and so have sent my glasses away to have this done, meaning I'm not far off blind for the next 2-3 weeks.

Yesterday afternoon I was trying to work on my website and having so much trouble between the kids noise (a friends daughter was here for a small play - she is pretty well behaved when she is here, but for some reason, the second she walks through the door, or my kids spot her out the window, my kids just turn into ferrals. Seriously, they do. Loud, Naughty, Psycho Ferrals.), Logan being at work - so unable to help, my head fuzzy from my migraine and pain killers and my eyes fuzzy from lack of glasses. Plus, code is like, a different language, and because I am still learning, I am not yet fluent in it.

Imagine trying to study in a different language while drunk at a party. 

Yeah, that.

Anyway, with Zay being whingy because he is hungry and kicking the mouse every few minutes and then pretending it was an accident and starting fights with anyone that looks his way, and Bay not watching what he's doing and knocking the power cord out over and over and Izzy playing with her uncle (noisily I might add), I have completely lost where I was going with this. So I might have to leave it here for today. It must be time to get dinner organized so that the kids can head to bed.

Well I'm glad that I managed to find this chance to share with you my awesome day. A day like this - so very very few and far between - should not go un-noticed!

Thanks for being there my dear readers, because while I have tried to explain to you your worth, I'm sure that you still could not possibly understand.


Sami xx

Can I go home now?

I hate leaving the blog without a post for so long, but I really haven't had much to say lately.

Last Friday I had a CT to try to find out the cause for my constant migraines. When the doctor told me on Thursday that she wanted me to go have a CT I was over the moon, finally after almost seven years, someone wants to actually do their job and help. I was so relieved as I really didn't think there was anything to find, instead, I saw it as a way for them to provide a bit of piece of mind for me, for them to tell me that there is nothing to find in my brain. I know that that certainly wouldn't help rid me of them, but I could certainly do with a bit of good news.

But I've gotta admit, it got to Friday and I was so nervous! Suddenly I started thinking about the possibility of them actually finding something. I mean, we all know it's possible right? Seven years of migraines doesn't happen for no reason. And it certainly is a symptom of brain tumours. So what if that's what it is? What if I get to the doctors expecting to hear that we need to look into other options because my brain is fine, and instead I get devastating news? Yeah.. 

Well unfortunately I can't tell you that everything turned out fine because I don't actually know. My follow up appointment isn't until next Wednesday. Even though I am trying to keep positive, I have asked Logan to, if he is not working dayshift next week, come to my appointment, because even though it's all going to be fine, I need him there just in case. Because I wouldn't be able to cope with bad news on my own.

As for the actual migraines, they haven't gotten any better. Not in the slightest. If anything, they are worse. 

I try my absolute hardest to go on as normal. With Logan busy working and studying, I really don't have a choice but to keep going. If I don't do the dishes, cook the dinner or wash the dirty clothes then it won't get done (most of the time anyway, sometimes my dear man is kind enough to cook dinner for me). And I want everything to be normal. I don't want my kids memories of their childhoods to be based around their mum always in pain, so, other than expecting as much quiet as is possible to get out of three young children (and a Daddy that likes to play loud and rough with kiddies), I try not to let it affect our days. I put on a brave face, to the best of my ability, and pretend everything is fine. Because they come first, of course.

But it doesn't always work like that.

On Sunday I had a complete breakdown. One minute I was getting ready to head to the supermarket, and the next I was on the kitchen floor crying. Bawling really. Eventually Logan sent me up to bed and I must have continued to cry for an hour or more. The tears just wouldn't stop. I was feeling terrible for giving up, but that's exactly what I wanted to do. Just. Give. Up.

Because it is so hard. It really is. And I am so tired. So I hid in bed and just cried for a while. And I could hear Logan downstairs with the boys trying to keep them quiet, but there isn't much you can do to keep a 2 year old boy and a 4 year old boy quiet. And I tried talking to him, but I couldn't get a sentence out cos I was crying so hard and I was in so much pain. But I just wanted to complain to him. I just wanted to lay on the floor and kick and scream and cry and tell him that it's just not fair! Yes, I know that I am not the only person in pain. Yes, I know there are people out there worse off than me. Yes, at least I am alive, at least I get to spend time with my family. I get it. An you know what? That's what I tell myself every day! "Get over it Sami". But Right then, I didn't care that I have it better than some. Right then, I wanted to be selfish. I wanted to throw a tantrum. I wanted to lay in bed and feel sorry for myself. I wanted someone else to look after me for once! For once, I wanted to act like the sick, exhausted, in pain person that I am. 

I try to be strong, I try to put everyone else first. But come, on, there is only so long that a person can be strong. There is only so long that a person can deal with daily pain and pretend like they are fine before they just can't handle it anymore. Before they need to turn to toddlers methods and kick and scream and cry and let everyone know just how unfair life can be. I guess we should have seen it coming.

Because when most normal people have a migraine and they get the day off work, go home and sleep. And people feel sorry for them and organise them dinner, maybe take their kids for a few hours or whatever. And usually, after a few hours, or the next day at least, their head is better and they can go on with their lives.  But for me it's totally different. 

I'm not saying that no one cares. I know that I have many people that care, but they can't quit their lives to take over mine can they? Especially when, other than Logan, the people who care are across the country from me. 

And so that is where we are at now. Trying to pull the money together to get back to Victoria. To go home. Because we need our family. And we need our friends. Because we can't keep doing this alone. Because here, we might as well know no one. Because our kids don't remember what its like to have a sleep over with grandparents, to be taken to the beach, to be spoilt. And because we have been to doctors and hospitals and stuff so many times in the last year. Having tests on my heart and tests on my head. And the few people we know here can't even take 5 minutes out of their day to ask if I'm ok. To ask if we might need a break, or a bit of help here or there. And we're left stressing because I'm on the couch crying and shaking and almost unable to breathe from the pain in my chest, and we are lucky if we manage to get onto anyone to be able to have the kids for an hour so we can go back to the hospital. And because while Logan's at work and I'm laying on the couch, vision blurred, unable to get move because every time I go to get up I almost face plant it, my poor 6 year old daughter is having to turn the stove off so the house doesn't burn down. And she's having to make sure that Bay isn't getting into things. And they are having to wait for the dizziness to pass so I can get up and fight through the pain to finish cooking their dinner. And I have no one to call, not even to help for 30 minutes, not even to drop off a few dollars of chips for the kids so they can eat without me fearing that I'm going to pass out while cooking for them.

I don't expect that when I get back there everyone will have to run to help me whenever something needs doing. And I don't expect, nor want, someone to take the kids whenever my head hurts (if that were the case I'd never get to see them). But it will be nice to know that there are people who will take the kids for an hour if I need to go to the hospital. It will be nice to know that people around us actually care enough to ask how we are. It will be nice to be able to have a chat with someone other than poor Logan when I need to let out my stress and fear when waiting for results. I'm sure Logan will appreciate me having another shoulder to cry on.

And of course the good things too. All the wonderful things that an active family and a few close friends bring. Like laughter and fun and good chats and relaxation and the feeling of security. Like forgetting what loneliness feels like. Like wonderful relationships that my children need to experience. Like the feeling of being wanted and loved that I can't wait to see my kids feel on a daily basis from someone other than just Logan and I.

Well there you go. I guess I had a lot to say.

I think I'm going to attempt to go into the college with Logan tomorrow for the first time in like 2 weeks or something. He doesn't go without me often and so, after staying home with me for so long, I think I owe it him him to give it a shot. I fear that I'm going to regret it, but my studies have really been lacking lately, and I need to get these current assignments done. Please wish me luck. I think I'm going to need it.

I hope you, my lovely readers, have had a better weekend and start to the week than I. 

Sleep well people, then send me some energy. ;-)


Sami x

Finally some help..

As you would have read here in my post about my daily struggle, I suffer from almost constant migraines. This has made life hard for me, as I'm sure you could imagine, for the last 6 1/2 years, but getting help from a doctor has been a struggle in it self. 

Today I went to a new doctor. 15 minutes later I left her office with a referral for a blood test (which I got done and just have to say, the lady who did it was ridiculously good at her job), and a referral for a CT scan, which I have booked for tomorrow.

I have to admit, I am feeling so relieved in finally having found a doctor who actually cares enough to do something rather than just dismiss me and my worries. Yay!

Just a moment of weakness

I am so tired, so so tired, and I want to write but I'm not sure how. I tried talking to Logan in the early hours of the morning. He is my person, but I couldn't do it. The words wouldn't come. Getting things out today have been hard. Impossible. And this blog, this blog is my diary. That's why it is called Diary Of An Overworked Mum, because it is my diary, my only diary. And I can only hope that the words that won't flow from my mouth, will from my fingers. Because I need to let them out.

But I still wonder at times how honest to be. I don't really know if there is a point where I should just keep things to myself rather than sharing them. On Facebook I believe there is, but this is my space. My space to be me. If only I could be certain that that is okay.

 You see, I haven't had much sleep in the last week and it has really run me down.

Last night I found out that my great aunt has only a day or so to live. Tumours have been found in her brain. 10 of them in fact. Being so tired means that I just cannot sort out how I'm feeling about the situation. Obviously I am sad, thats a given. I was never too close to her, I didn't keep in contact with her as I grew up, but I do have very fond memories of her from my childhood. Fond memories of the wonderful woman that she is. 

I am cut up about the news. But I'm confused, too. I hardly slept last night, I have hardly slept for days now, but last night was so much worse, and I am unsure of the meaning behind my emotions  I am unsure if I am this upset because she is dying, because of how horrible it must have been for her this last week, or because it has hit home hard. Probably all three.

See, I have migraines all the time. I have been to the doctors time and time again, many different doctors over the last almost 7 years, and they always end up doing the same thing.. brushing it off. Acting as though I am being dramatic, as though I am making it up. They tell me to take panadol, which does nothing to help, a few have offered medication to prevent them, but that never works either and so I don't bother continuing it. They might ask a few questions, but they never seem to care, they never take it seriously.

I have been taking Ibuprofen & Codine for months now, it is the only thing I have found that provides a little help. I know it is terrible for my body, but I have to lower the pain some how, there is no one available to take over my job as mum while I'm in bed unable to move, so what choice do I have? 

It surprises even me how well I have learnt to deal with the pain. How when a big one hits I stop and stand still for a minute, breathing and telling myself "you can deal with this, you have no choice, just get over it" and then I move on with my day. Pain that puts most people in bed isn't enough to make me stop my day anymore. Because life hasn't given me a choice. I have no one to help. Not one person. Because Logan has work to go to. Because he is all I have right now, and he is just too damn busy to take over my role as mum.

But I worry, because while it might not seem like a big deal to the doctors, it is to me. It makes my life so hard, I am so limited in what I do because I am just always in pain. My kids are always being told to be quiet, always in trouble for yelling and banging things.. and that isn't fair on them. And I hate that they are limited because of my pain. 

And really, having migraines daily is not normal, it just isn't.

I guess I worry that that will be me one day. One day soon. Lying on the hospital bed, leaving my family, all because the doctors just won't listen to me. And sure, it may not be so serious for me, but how can I know that? Maybe they are brushing it off because they have already ruled the more serious things out by asking the few questions they asked. But I wouldn't know because, along with their not really caring attitude, they don't bother to tell me that I'm sort of ok. They don't bring me comfort. They just stress me more because I leave thinking "why are you treating me like a child who is being overly dramatic about a scraped knee? why don't you care??". 

Maybe it is time for me to stop putting on the brave face I work so hard at. Maybe it is time for me to go in there, a mess, bawling my eyes out, so they see what Logan see's. So they maybe decide to take me seriously for once. Isn't that their job, after all?

So you see? I am sad, heartbroken really, I am torn up at how cruel life can be. How can such a wonderful woman, with such a kind heart, can have this happen to her. When all those terrible terrible people out there get to live their lives, happy and healthy.

And I'm scared. I have been scared for years now. But this, this makes it worse. And I need someone. But no one has the time. People have their own lives to live, and I need to let go of this moment of weakness and continue on with my life. Because that's all this is, a moment of weakness. One that I will burry as I do.

Because I have no choice.