Can I go home now?

I hate leaving the blog without a post for so long, but I really haven't had much to say lately.

Last Friday I had a CT to try to find out the cause for my constant migraines. When the doctor told me on Thursday that she wanted me to go have a CT I was over the moon, finally after almost seven years, someone wants to actually do their job and help. I was so relieved as I really didn't think there was anything to find, instead, I saw it as a way for them to provide a bit of piece of mind for me, for them to tell me that there is nothing to find in my brain. I know that that certainly wouldn't help rid me of them, but I could certainly do with a bit of good news.

But I've gotta admit, it got to Friday and I was so nervous! Suddenly I started thinking about the possibility of them actually finding something. I mean, we all know it's possible right? Seven years of migraines doesn't happen for no reason. And it certainly is a symptom of brain tumours. So what if that's what it is? What if I get to the doctors expecting to hear that we need to look into other options because my brain is fine, and instead I get devastating news? Yeah.. 

Well unfortunately I can't tell you that everything turned out fine because I don't actually know. My follow up appointment isn't until next Wednesday. Even though I am trying to keep positive, I have asked Logan to, if he is not working dayshift next week, come to my appointment, because even though it's all going to be fine, I need him there just in case. Because I wouldn't be able to cope with bad news on my own.

As for the actual migraines, they haven't gotten any better. Not in the slightest. If anything, they are worse. 

I try my absolute hardest to go on as normal. With Logan busy working and studying, I really don't have a choice but to keep going. If I don't do the dishes, cook the dinner or wash the dirty clothes then it won't get done (most of the time anyway, sometimes my dear man is kind enough to cook dinner for me). And I want everything to be normal. I don't want my kids memories of their childhoods to be based around their mum always in pain, so, other than expecting as much quiet as is possible to get out of three young children (and a Daddy that likes to play loud and rough with kiddies), I try not to let it affect our days. I put on a brave face, to the best of my ability, and pretend everything is fine. Because they come first, of course.

But it doesn't always work like that.

On Sunday I had a complete breakdown. One minute I was getting ready to head to the supermarket, and the next I was on the kitchen floor crying. Bawling really. Eventually Logan sent me up to bed and I must have continued to cry for an hour or more. The tears just wouldn't stop. I was feeling terrible for giving up, but that's exactly what I wanted to do. Just. Give. Up.

Because it is so hard. It really is. And I am so tired. So I hid in bed and just cried for a while. And I could hear Logan downstairs with the boys trying to keep them quiet, but there isn't much you can do to keep a 2 year old boy and a 4 year old boy quiet. And I tried talking to him, but I couldn't get a sentence out cos I was crying so hard and I was in so much pain. But I just wanted to complain to him. I just wanted to lay on the floor and kick and scream and cry and tell him that it's just not fair! Yes, I know that I am not the only person in pain. Yes, I know there are people out there worse off than me. Yes, at least I am alive, at least I get to spend time with my family. I get it. An you know what? That's what I tell myself every day! "Get over it Sami". But Right then, I didn't care that I have it better than some. Right then, I wanted to be selfish. I wanted to throw a tantrum. I wanted to lay in bed and feel sorry for myself. I wanted someone else to look after me for once! For once, I wanted to act like the sick, exhausted, in pain person that I am. 

I try to be strong, I try to put everyone else first. But come, on, there is only so long that a person can be strong. There is only so long that a person can deal with daily pain and pretend like they are fine before they just can't handle it anymore. Before they need to turn to toddlers methods and kick and scream and cry and let everyone know just how unfair life can be. I guess we should have seen it coming.

Because when most normal people have a migraine and they get the day off work, go home and sleep. And people feel sorry for them and organise them dinner, maybe take their kids for a few hours or whatever. And usually, after a few hours, or the next day at least, their head is better and they can go on with their lives.  But for me it's totally different. 

I'm not saying that no one cares. I know that I have many people that care, but they can't quit their lives to take over mine can they? Especially when, other than Logan, the people who care are across the country from me. 

And so that is where we are at now. Trying to pull the money together to get back to Victoria. To go home. Because we need our family. And we need our friends. Because we can't keep doing this alone. Because here, we might as well know no one. Because our kids don't remember what its like to have a sleep over with grandparents, to be taken to the beach, to be spoilt. And because we have been to doctors and hospitals and stuff so many times in the last year. Having tests on my heart and tests on my head. And the few people we know here can't even take 5 minutes out of their day to ask if I'm ok. To ask if we might need a break, or a bit of help here or there. And we're left stressing because I'm on the couch crying and shaking and almost unable to breathe from the pain in my chest, and we are lucky if we manage to get onto anyone to be able to have the kids for an hour so we can go back to the hospital. And because while Logan's at work and I'm laying on the couch, vision blurred, unable to get move because every time I go to get up I almost face plant it, my poor 6 year old daughter is having to turn the stove off so the house doesn't burn down. And she's having to make sure that Bay isn't getting into things. And they are having to wait for the dizziness to pass so I can get up and fight through the pain to finish cooking their dinner. And I have no one to call, not even to help for 30 minutes, not even to drop off a few dollars of chips for the kids so they can eat without me fearing that I'm going to pass out while cooking for them.

I don't expect that when I get back there everyone will have to run to help me whenever something needs doing. And I don't expect, nor want, someone to take the kids whenever my head hurts (if that were the case I'd never get to see them). But it will be nice to know that there are people who will take the kids for an hour if I need to go to the hospital. It will be nice to know that people around us actually care enough to ask how we are. It will be nice to be able to have a chat with someone other than poor Logan when I need to let out my stress and fear when waiting for results. I'm sure Logan will appreciate me having another shoulder to cry on.

And of course the good things too. All the wonderful things that an active family and a few close friends bring. Like laughter and fun and good chats and relaxation and the feeling of security. Like forgetting what loneliness feels like. Like wonderful relationships that my children need to experience. Like the feeling of being wanted and loved that I can't wait to see my kids feel on a daily basis from someone other than just Logan and I.

Well there you go. I guess I had a lot to say.

I think I'm going to attempt to go into the college with Logan tomorrow for the first time in like 2 weeks or something. He doesn't go without me often and so, after staying home with me for so long, I think I owe it him him to give it a shot. I fear that I'm going to regret it, but my studies have really been lacking lately, and I need to get these current assignments done. Please wish me luck. I think I'm going to need it.

I hope you, my lovely readers, have had a better weekend and start to the week than I. 

Sleep well people, then send me some energy. ;-)


Sami x